How to Take Care of Your Business Without Neglecting Yourself

In this episode of MarieTV, we do have some adult language. So if you do have little ones around, grab your headphones now.

Marie Forleo: I am my most important asset in this life. So if I don’t prioritize my own health, emotional, spiritual, physical health, I have nothing to contribute and give to other people.

Hey, it’s Marie Forleo, and welcome to another episode of MarieTV and The Marie Forleo Podcast. And guess what? It is Q&A Tuesday time. And today’s question comes from Mariella.

Mariella Franker: Hi Marie. My name is Mariella Franker, and I’m coming to you from the Netherlands. My question is, how do you maintain the balance between building your business, serving your audience, being visible, doing all the things, and making sure that you are physically and mentally balanced and nourished? I’m a productivity coach for introverts, and I’m an introvert myself. So energy management and making sure that I don’t spread myself too thin is a very, very important thing for me and my clients. So I was just wondering how you approach this, and if you have any advice for me. Thank you and bye-bye.

Marie Forleo: I love this question from Mariella so much. You know what? I just want to talk with her. I want to ask her some more questions. I want to have a discussion about this, and I think we can make that happen. Mariella, it is so great to talk with you live. I loved your questions so much. I am actually working on a project right now that dive so deep into everything that you were asking about, like this idea, right, of, well, how do you do it all and be all the things, and show up in your business, and show up for your audience and for your family and for yourself, and still find that time to nourish your wellbeing? And so I’ll share a little bit of my perspective on how I do it and also my philosophy, but then I might have some questions for you because I want to make this really tactical, and I want to make it really personal because clearly, you’re brilliant, you have a big heart and you have a big mission. So anything I can do to support you in that, I’m here for. Is that cool?

Mariella Franker: Awesome. Thank you. Yes.

Marie Forleo: Yay. So my perspective in terms of getting things done and productivity, and being able to show up as my best self, as many places as possible, is actually a little bit counterintuitive. So my approach to doing it all is that I don’t, and I give myself complete permission not to strive to do it all. So what does that mean? I think after 20 years of running my own business and just being able to make a lot of mistakes and spend a lot of time trying to live up to other people’s expectations rather than my own, and also feeling societal pressure, right, in terms of having to be on all the time. And there’s so many different aspects, especially right now, I think, of online businesses where there’s a lot of messaging around, you have to engage 24/7, right, and you have to create things 24/7, you have to be there for everyone.

And honestly, I’m curious how you feel. That’s completely unrealistic. No one can do that.

Mariella Franker: That is so recognizable.

Marie Forleo: Right?

Mariella Franker: Yes.

Marie Forleo: And so sometimes we look around and we can see people and also because often what we see is just what people present, again, me too. But I often try and speak into this and say that like, “I am not on my phone, hardly at all. I spend as little time on the computer as humanly possible, just to create.” So I’ve really released myself from the notion that I have to be everything to everyone. And I’m also a professional disappointer. So let me tell you what I mean by that.

Mariella Franker: I love that.

Marie Forleo: I am really good at disappointing other people in a really kind and compassionate way. So a lot of my friends and colleagues will know, sometimes they’ll send me emails and texts or they’ll invite me to things and I’ll just say, “No.” I’ll politely decline. Opportunities will come in. There was just something big that came in literally, Mariella, yesterday from a very big company, there was money and prestige involved.

And as I was telling you before, we’re kind of putting this on cameras like, “Oh my goodness.” I’m in this creative cave. And I could see very clearly that even though it was tempting, it would take me off my track. Does that make sense?

Mariella Franker: Yes.

Marie Forleo: So I disappointed them. So I disappoint people right and left all the time because there’s only a critical few things in my life that really, really matter. And that’s what I want to pay attention to. And those critical few things for me may shift and change over time, because they have. You know? What was most important to me in my early 20s, was different in my later 20s and my early 30s and 30. You know?

Mariella Franker: Yeah.

Marie Forleo: So it shifts as we evolve, but I just keep focusing on less. I’m a professional disappointer and I give myself total permission not to be everything to everyone.

And there’s one more thing I want to say before I want to hear your feedback is I’ve learned this and I’ve learned this the hard way because I made so many mistakes, I am my most important asset in this life. So if I don’t prioritize my own health, emotional, spiritual, physical health, I have nothing to contribute and give to other people. So I’ve designed my life now. So even if it’s just 15 or 20 minutes in the morning, if my schedule is such that that’s what it allows for, those first 15 or 20 minutes are dedicated to me, to making my mind strong, to making my body strong, to focusing on what’s most important, reviewing my goals and my dreams, spending time with Josh or my dog. Anything that, for me, it’s like that tiny little bit of time in the morning, helps fill up my cup so that I have more to give. Now I’m going to shut up because I can talk a lot. And I want to hear your perspective.

Mariella Franker: I could listen to you all day, Marie. Really. Yes, that resonates really, really deeply with me. Yes. I recognize that a lot. And what you said, that you used to be very focused on other people’s expectations. Yeah, that’s exactly, yeah, word for word.

Marie Forleo: Let me ask you, what are three things that come to mind that make you, Mariella, feel really strong and really in your own body and life and like you’re taking care of yourself. What are three things that if you did them consistently, you feel like you feel really filled up?

Mariella Franker: Yeah. So I’ve been thinking about that so much. And I was able to make the shifts maybe like a year, year and a half ago where I started implementing those things in my life. So one of the things that I really love is to do yoga and I do that almost first thing in the morning, almost every morning.

Marie Forleo: Smart.

Mariella Franker: And I come up here, this is like my little work cabin and it’s outside, it’s in the garden. So I go outside. Also really helps, the fresh air, even if it’s cold in winter, I also do it. And just that moving meditation that really helps me to kind of ground myself the rest of the day.

Marie Forleo: Good. That’s one. What’s number two?

Mariella Franker: Number two is setting an intention or at least thinking about what I’m, what I see myself doing that day, or… It doesn’t have to be a goal, I try to go more towards intentions than goals because if I go towards goals, I get that rushed feeling. And I’m looking for that groundedness in the morning. Yeah.

Marie Forleo: Nice distinction. Okay. So an intention for you really makes you feel grounded and it sets you in the right direction and it alleviates that kind of hustle feeling that doesn’t feel so good for you. Great.

Mariella Franker: Yeah. Yeah.

Marie Forleo: Tell me about number three.

Mariella Franker: Number three. I think number three would be eating well. Yes.

Marie Forleo: Eating well. Good. Tell me a little bit more. Describe for me a fantastic idea of a beautiful first nourishing meal.

Mariella Franker: Well, we have a sit-down meal in the morning, which I love. So it’s my husband and I, and our two year old and there’s a lot going on there, but it’s just always fun and always different. We have miso soup in the morning and we…

Marie Forleo: That’s amazing.

Mariella Franker: It’s really good. It’s so simple to make, Japanese, so it’s like simple, classical taste. It’s great and you can just use whatever you have. So I love to do that type of thing. And it’s something that we just, all three of us, we really enjoy and we love it and it’s simple. And it’s also that connection with the food. Yeah.

Marie Forleo: Good. I love this. So, okay. Tell me a little bit more, would you say that you’re doing these three things 80% of the time, 40% of the time, 90% of the time. Where are you at right now?

Mariella Franker: Yeah. I’ve worked up to 80% of the time now.

Marie Forleo: Great.

Mariella Franker: So yeah.

Marie Forleo: That means you’re doing amazing. And so this is all on you. If you feel like, “Wow, I need a little more nourishing. I want to get it more to 90 or 95%.” You know, we’re never going for perfection. We’re always going for progress. So that might be a place to look to help yourself feel even more nourished.

Mariella Franker: Yeah.

Marie Forleo: And then my last question for you to personalize this, is there one thing that comes to your mind or comes to your heart right now that if you could stop doing, say no to, be that professional disappointer, is there a project, is there something that you think you have to keep doing over and over again, that if you let it go, you would regain a surge of time, psychic energy, emotional energy, everything?

Mariella Franker: Yes. So one thing jumps to mind right away and that’s social media probably. Yeah.

Marie Forleo: Yeah. Okay. Good. I love this. First of all, I applaud you for your honesty and I applaud you for your courage and saying that because you’re not alone. There’s many, many people that feel that way and we don’t have to get into the details now, but I will tell you this, if you’ve been paying attention to my work for a while, you know that I am not a person who spends much time, if any, on social media. And in fact, over the years, I’ve reduced it down to such a tiny little infinitesimal bit, because I discovered for myself just out of experimentation, it’s really not a place that brings me a lot of joy.

I love connecting with people like you. I love my work. I love our audience, our students, anyone that I get to connect with, our colleagues and friends. But I will tell you, I’ve done a little bit of experimentation where I’m just engaging with social and then I observe how I feel.

Mariella Franker: Yeah.

Marie Forleo: I observe my work ethic. I observe where my mind and my heart goes in the time after and it doesn’t feel good. It just doesn’t feel good, right?

Mariella Franker: Yeah. Yeah.

Marie Forleo: So I’ve created some systems so that I can show up on social media in a framework and at intervals that really work for me so that I can continue to serve on my mission, but not have the downside. Does that make sense?

Mariella Franker: Yes. Makes a lot of sense. I love that experimentation that you have in there.

Marie Forleo: Yeah.

Mariella Franker: And you have to figure it out where it is.

Marie Forleo: Yeah, and I…

Mariella Franker: Can I ask…

Marie Forleo: Yeah. Go for it. Ask.

Mariella Franker: Can I ask you one more question?

Marie Forleo: Of course.

Mariella Franker: All this around being grounded and feeling in control of your day more or less, I feel like I’m up to 80%…

Marie Forleo: Yeah.

Mariella Franker: …with that now, but I have seasons and some seasons it’s just, it’s off and you kind of feel like, “Oh, it’s not quite flowing.” And that’s where I struggle.

Marie Forleo: Let me ask you more. Those seasons, do they tend to be like a few days at a time, is it more weeks at a time, is it more months at a time? Can you give me a little bit more context on that?

Mariella Franker: I think, probably, towards, definitely weeks at a time, sometimes even months at a time. So it’s manageable, but I kind of feel like it’s not the right flow that I want to be in.

Marie Forleo: And when those seasons pop up that you feel like you’re less in control, is it outside external things that are happening or is it more within yourself?

Mariella Franker: It’s more within myself. Yeah, yeah. I’m not sure, I haven’t discovered yet what it’s linked to. I have creative phase and then I have the bearing down, get things done phase.

Marie Forleo: Yeah.

Mariella Franker: And it kind of matches a little bit with the creative phase because I just spend more time in my head and that takes more energy.

Marie Forleo: Yes.

Mariella Franker: And then I kind of don’t have the energy left over to hold on to that good structure, even though I know that it helps me as well.

Marie Forleo: Interesting. Okay. This is good. So I’m going to give you a few ideas of what you might be able to play with here because I’ve discovered this and I’ve done a lot of research in this regard. So when you’re talking about those creative seasons, would I be accurate in saying when you’re producing something like whether you’re writing, or you’re creating something, you’re giving birth to it, would that be right?

Mariella Franker: Yes. Yes. Exactly.

Marie Forleo: Okay. There’s a lot of cognitive energy that you’re burning to produce, correct?

Mariella Franker: Yes.

Marie Forleo: One of the things that I’ve noticed for myself recently that is really easy to just skim over, a few things. One, and you probably know this, so this is just a reminder of something that you already know, is that we human beings have like a tank of gas, cognitively speaking, every single day. We wake up and it’s full and throughout the day as we make decisions, as we resist temptations, as we produce and create, that cognitive fuel goes down. During times of intense production, we are burning through that fuel like nobody’s business.

And you’re kind of like… you’re spent. Right? So the brain runs on glucose. Couple of things that you might want to experiment with. One is making sure that your blood sugar isn’t low because sometimes when I’ve created a lot and I’m like, “Wow, I could keep going.” But then I’m getting unfocused and I feel a little ungrounded. And it’s probably because I forgot to have a snack. So that’s one thing is playing with your body’s biology and chemistry between hydration and a little bit of snacks and getting the brain a healthy snack and waiting 30 minutes and going like, “Oh wow, my focus is back and I actually feel more grounded.” One thing to experiment with.

Another thing to experiment with is not overworking. So I’ve discovered, and science backs this up, there’s actually quite a bit of research that you can find about this. Most creative humans have about, when I say creative I mean a knowledge worker, intense focus type of activity, anywhere between three and five hours a day max, doesn’t mean that you’re going to sit around eating bonbons on your couch for the rest of the time, but it’s nearly impossible for all of us to produce at that focus level anywhere beyond three to five hours. Everyone’s a little different. But when people try and push themselves or expect themselves to be focused all day long and they don’t go, “Oh, now it’s time to back off. Now it’s actually time to rest. Now it’s either time to play or do something that doesn’t use the same sections of our brain that you just taxed for four hours.” I’ve found when I give myself permission to work less because I’ve worked in more intense spurts, I get way more done and I feel more grounded.

Mariella Franker: Wow. That’s really interesting.

Marie Forleo: Does any of that resonate for you because…

Mariella Franker: Yes.

Marie Forleo: …we’re in a culture that has trained us from the industrial revolution, right, that we’re supposed to work eight hours a day at least. And if you pay attention to things online, it’s like, “If you’re not hustling 24/7, then you’re lazy.” Right? But in reality, when you’re working on something intensely, sometimes three to four hours is max that you have in you for the day. You can spend the rest of that time with your kids, with your family, in nature, taking a nap, doing anything else that you need to do, but to put the additional pressure on yourself that you’re then supposed to be grounded and productive for the rest of the day is a recipe for failure.

Mariella Franker: Yeah. Yeah. Wow. I love that you said you gave yourself permission to do that. I think that’s the core of it, that we kind of put that pressure on ourselves that is not allowed in a way. Yeah.

Marie Forleo: Yeah because there’s so many cultural messages and there is so much information that we’re reading, that we’re hearing, that we’re seeing, that we’ve absorbed from our beautiful families who are doing the best that they could. You know? This notion that if you’re not working all the time, if you’re not pushing 10-12 hours a day, first of all, you must not be ambitious enough and you must not want it bad enough. And all of that is just total BS.

Mariella Franker: Yes. Oh, wow. Thank you so much. So inspiring.

Marie Forleo: You’re so welcome, Mariella. So hopefully this answered your question.

Mariella Franker: Yes. Very, very helpful. Yes. Thank you so much.

Marie Forleo: Awesome. You’re so welcome. Well, keep us posted. I’m so honored that you are in our large global family and I can’t wait to hear all the things that you continue to create.

Mariella Franker: So honored to be here and to talk with you. I can still hardly believe it.

Marie Forleo: Yay!

Mariella Franker: Thank you so much for your time. And yeah.

Marie Forleo: Thank you.

Did you enjoy that conversation as much as I did? I surely hope so. Now I’d love to hear from you. So what say you on this idea of doing it all and trying to push yourself 24/7? Because I think that’s exhausting and it’s not effective, but I would love to hear your comments. So come on over to the magical land of marieforleo.com and leave a comment there. And while you’re there, if you’re not yet subscribed to our email list, what the hell are you thinking? Become an MF Insider. Why? Because I send amazing, inspiring, actionable, informative emails each and every Tuesday and I don’t want you to miss out. Until next time, stay on your game and keep going for your big dreams because the world really does need that very special gift that only you have. Thank you so much for tuning in and I’ll catch you next time.

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