How to Get Confident, Beat Your Insecurities, and Overcome Fear

Marie Forleo:

In this episode of MarieTV, we do have some adult language. So, if you have little ones around, grab your headphones now.

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Hey, everyone. It's Marie Forleo, and today, we are talking about how to build the skill of confidence. Really, how to take control of your mind, how to beat your insecurities and how to overcome your fears so you can do the things that you've been wanting to do. My guest today helped start a billion-dollar company. Yes, that's with a B, and she's got a lot to say on the topic. Let's go.

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Lisa Bilyeu is the co-founder of the billion-dollar company, Quest Nutrition, and the co-founder and president of Impact Theory. She's the host of Women of Impact, a show featuring women who have overcome incredible hardship to achieve massive success. Her mission is to empower all women to become the heroes of their own lives.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

Marie, I'm freaking out right now, girl. I'm freaking out. You have no idea how excited I am to be... I'll tell you just before we start, girl, thank you.

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Marie Forleo:

Oh, we've started.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

Oh, amazing.

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Marie Forleo:

It's started. Just go. Let's just do it.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

I just needed to tell you, there's so many parts of my life that I hold onto my past and how I felt because I owe it to the younger Lisa. And being here with you today, girl, you have no idea how meaningful this is. I remember not even the younger Lisa, the Lisa when I first met you, what was it? Maybe two years ago? Where I…

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Marie Forleo:

Oh, a little bit more than that because you guys were still…

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Lisa Bilyeu:

You're right. 

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Marie Forleo:

Impact Theory hadn't even been born yet and I was at Quest.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

Oh my God. So yes, you're right.

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Marie Forleo:

That's right.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

That was a really long time ago. Okay.

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Marie Forleo:

Many years ago.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

I do remember that, but I didn't realize it was that long ago. But the time when you came to my house and you did the second interview.

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Marie Forleo:

Yes.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

It was like I'd already gone into your world, I knew who you were, I was absolutely obsessed with you. And you came to my house and my heart was racing. I'm like, "Oh my God. It's freaking Marie Forleo."

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It's so beautiful for me to be here, for myself right now to be in front of you. For you to be interviewing me. It's so powerful. I'm actually glad we're recording because I want your audience to hear the things that you think may not be possible, just flip your mindset. I never would have thought this would be possible, that I would be on your podcast. So girl, thank you so much.

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Marie Forleo:

Oh, I adore you as you know. I just want to say congratulations on the book. It is fantastic. So for everybody, I don't have my copy here because I read the digital version because I've been traveling. But it is Radical Confidence: 10 No-BS Lessons on Becoming the Hero of Your Own Life. So, Lisa, congratulations. Yeah. Grab a copy behind you or in front of you.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

Yeah. All right. .

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Marie Forleo:

Hold it up so we can see it.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

Oh, let's do it. See, I got to learn from you girl. I'm not yet an expert on how to talk about my book. So any tips you got.

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Marie Forleo:

Oh, are you kidding me? I'm not an expert on how to talk about anything. I just keep going. This is a perfect segue into today's topic. I want to hear from you: what was the inspiration behind writing this particular book? Lisa, did you know, "Oh my gosh, I've got a book in me and I don't know what the topic is?" Or we're like, "I have to write about confidence?" Tell me where this was born from.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

Yeah. I had zero thoughts about writing a book. I always admire you and Mel Robbins, and just thought, "Oh my God. That's so amazing. I could never do that." It never even dawned on me to even approach writing a book. I got the offer. So a literary agent reached out to Tom and said, "Hey, would Lisa be interested in writing a book?" So my husband, he comes into my office and he's like, "Babe, can you believe it? Someone just said are you interested in writing a book?" I'm like, "Oh, that's so sweet," and I go back to typing. He's like, "Babe, did you just hear what I said? Why are you being so nonchalant about it?" I turned around and I was like, "Well, who would buy a book from me?"

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In that moment, I didn't beat myself up, I just gave myself grace. I was like, "That young insecure Lisa's still here. It's okay, Lisa. You can believe in yourself. You've done it multiple times. So why now are you letting this insecurity come to your top of mind?" I was like, "I don't think she ever goes away."

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Marie Forleo:

Yeah.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

So when I started to think about what this book would be and what the problems are in the world, and how I can provide, because you even just said you're not an expert. I think the same about myself. I'm like, "I'm not a freaking expert. I'm figuring it out as I go along the way," like your book, figureoutable. It’s so I just go, "I know I need to keep moving forward." Now, I didn't have that mindset for eight years. For eight years I was supporting my husband. I was a stay-at-home wife, really supporting his dreams and what he wanted to do. And being brought up as a Greek Orthodox, I thought that that was my role, I should be a good supportive wife. So I fit very nicely into it.

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So now, looking back, I call it the purgatory of the mundane. Because so many of us hit rock bottom and that's what makes us change. That's what brings us like, "Oh my God. Well, I've got nowhere else to go so I may as well go for this thing." But what about so many of us that live in the purgatory of the mundane, where our life isn't rock bottom? And that's where I was for eight freaking years.

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So Radical Confidence to me, came about when I started to think about, what were the things that I did to get out of that? And everyone says to me, "Oh my God, you got so much confidence." I was like, "It's false. You have to hear the negative voice in my head that is every day, telling me I'm not good enough." 

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Marie Forleo:

That’s right.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

What they see is that I do it anyway. So once I started to piece all these things together and go, "Oh, okay. My life changed not because I had the confidence, my life changed because I faced…” With my insecurities, with all the fear, with all the things that I knew I wasn't good at, I still moved forward. And now, if I can talk about it ... and that's where the subtitle came from, it's the 10 no BS lessons to being the hero of your own life. It doesn't mean you have to gain confidence. To me, that shouldn't be the goal. In fact, it's not the goal. How many of us do we know where you said, "Okay, you want confidence?” In what? To do what with it?

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Marie Forleo:

Totally. Yeah. And I want to hang out and dig a little bit deeper in the purgatory of the mundane because I think it's so important. You wrote in the book that that's in some ways even more dangerous than rock bottom. The danger lies in the fact that it's comfortable. It's not so bad where rock bottom is like, you have to get up because you have no other choice. But when things are pretty much okay and you're pretty comfortable, and then you hear the societal messages or your own conscience say, "Well, you should be grateful for what you have. You should just have such extraordinary gratitude for the fact that everything is okay and stable, when you also have consciousness of what's happening in different parts of the world and what different people's experiences are."

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But I actually think it's really important to understand that subtlety of if your heart is unhappy and you keep trying to pep yourself up and go, "Oh, no, no, no. I'm fine. I'm fine. Everything's really okay." I wonder if you can speak a little bit more about that? Because for eight years, you were. You were supporting Tom.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

Yeah.

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Marie Forleo:

It's like you were the supportive housewife. And you did it amazingly and you brought your A game to it, because that's the kind of human being you are and one of the many reasons why I love you. But you were courageous enough to be honest with yourself, that it wasn't enough.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

Yeah. Girl, this is something I'm actually still struggling with about the gratitude thing, because I really do believe gratitude helps. I believe in moments if you're sitting there and you are that person that's saying, "Woe is me. I can't believe this is my life." It's like, look around at all the amazing things in your life. 

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Marie Forleo:

Of course.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

Gratitude can really flip that mindset around and it can be amazing. The problem is, if you stay in the gratitude, now you're dismissing all the parts of your life that you're not happy with. That don't sit well with you. That are literally... For me, it was actually smothering my dreams and my hopes of my future. I kept telling myself, "At least you've got a roof over your head. But Lisa, you have a husband that loves you. You know how many people would die to have a husband that loves and cares about you as much as he does? Do you know how many people would die to be in a position where the husband goes and works all day and you don't have to work?"

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That was the narrative I kept spinning. So every time that sinking feeling of, "Is this my life? Am I really doing dishes again for the fourth time today? Is really going to Costco the highlight of my fricking month?" And the truth was, yes. But I didn't feel I had the confidence to say anything, that I wasn't happy. So I ended up staying there by repeating the story in my head that I should be grateful. What I realized in hindsight is you can be utterly, completely head over heels in love with some parts of your life and absolutely be totally unhappy in other parts. I don't think we should ever just fricking settle.

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Marie Forleo:

Yes. That's right. That’s right. That's totally right. I love too, just to underscore that confidence isn't as important as most people think and it's not the end game. We don't want confident just for the sake of feeling confident, we want to be confident so that we go out and do the things that we really want to do.

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You wrote this in the book, so I'm using your words here my love, "You don't need confidence to do new things. Doing new things creates confidence." It really is like that. We often get asked the same questions. People will think, "Marie, but you seem like you know what you're doing all the time?" I'm like, "I do not. But I don't let it stop me." I never have and I don't think that I ever will. So I think again, this is your words not mine, which you're a brilliant writer, by the way.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

Thank you.

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Marie Forleo:

I don't know if you've heard that enough? You're a great storyteller. You said, "This isn't a chicken and egg situation because here there is a clear answer, confidence hatches confidence."

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Lisa Bilyeu:

Yeah. Look, I understand why we all get stuck there, because we want to feel good.

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Marie Forleo:

Yeah.

Lisa Bilyeu:

When you walk into a room or if you find yourself in a moment of confidence, it feels amazing. 

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Marie Forleo:

Right.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

When you're walking into a room where you have utter inadequacy, you're petrified, scared to death, it doesn't feel good. 

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Marie Forleo:

Yeah.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

So no judgment on understanding why people want the confidence first. It gets you stuck. Because what you're focused on, I want to feel so good about myself when I do this.

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But we talk about goals. Everything we do is all about, well, what are you trying to get to? What life do you actually want to live? Because a lot of the time, if you set up your goal, in order to get there you have to get uncomfortable. I mean, do you know any successful person ever that hasn't gotten uncomfortable or failed?

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Marie Forleo:

Oh, 100% not. 100% not. There's always a gap between our ambition and our ability, right?

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Lisa Bilyeu:

Yes.

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Marie Forleo:

There's an ambition that lives in our heart. It's a vision that we have of a potential future self that we can inhabit. And nine times out of 10, and this has been true for me my entire life. It's still true today... There is a gap between my ambition and my ability. I think that's what you're talking about here, it's like yeah, that's evident. We're going to bumble around and we're going to stumble and scrape our knees and make fools out of ourselves and be really shitty and sucky when we first get started and welcome to the club.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

I love that so much. Difference between ambition and ability. That's so beautiful. Thinking about that, what I would then sit down and say to people is, what is the goal? What skill set? What do you need to be able to do? Now, what are the steps you're going to take to get there? Because I can't get out of my own head. I still have that negative voice. I still have that, "Oh my God, what are you doing? You're going to embarrass yourself. Can you believe you're about to get on Marie Forleo's podcast?" I get that. That voice can go repeating, repeating.

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So I go, how do I mitigate that? How do I outweigh the voice in my head? So it is about getting very tactical. So if I'm looking at a skill set, if I'm looking at an ability, it's like, what are the steps I need to do every single day to get there? Because, that way, if I have a guide, a blueprint of what step I need to take, I can start to ignore the voice in my head and say, "But I'm going to do it anyway."

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That's the point of the book. It's not like, "Just believe you can and do it anyway." No, no, no, no, no. The voice in the head doesn't allow you to just believe you can. It becomes crippling.

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Marie Forleo:

Yeah.

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Lisa Bilyeu: 

So I'm all about tactics, blueprint. What step do I have to do tomorrow? How do I be so good that no one can ignore me? How can I get so fricking good, that when I eventually get competent I show up and people think I'm confident?

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Marie Forleo:

I'm curious a little bit more about your history too, because I know you come from a Greek Orthodox family and for people that look at you now, or they're listening right now. And they're like, "Oh my gosh. Lisa is fire. We love her. She's amazing. How spunky, how powerful, how strong." You aren't always this way, were you especially growing up?

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Lisa Bilyeu:

No. Not at all. So yeah. Growing up I was definitely teased a lot for my looks and my long Greek name. And when you are a kid and you are young that you just want to be liked. So I grew up not wanting to go against the grain because as we all know, the second you go against the grain, it leaves you open to commentary, potential insult, and these days being canceled. So I literally just tried to fit in the box so that it didn't stand out. And I saw where that got me. And when I was trying to fit in the box about being that good Greek wife and not even questioning whether I should have kids or not, it didn't even dawn on me though that I could question it. Because my entire life, it was like, "Well, no, you're going to get married and you're going to have kids."

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So it was amazing to look back now and think about, I got married and I literally... I think it was the day after my marriage or something. I said to Thomas, "Okay. So in about a year, we'll have kids?" And he looked at me and he's like, "What are you talking about?" And I was like, "Well, that's what the Greeks do. You get married and within a year..." And he's like, "Babe, I married you because I want to be with you." He's like, "We're still young. Let's push off having kids." And that was even the first time I was like, "I can push off having kids?" It didn't dawn on me. And we've spoken many times about the decisions to not have children and the difficulty and things that, and the backlash that you get.

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Marie Forleo:

Yeah. I mean it is an interesting topic. I think as the years advance there's several other people. It's like I've almost gathered a little bit of a, of a posse of friends who are women who have chosen not to have kids. And I know you and I have had some very funny texts about our pets and how much we... (Laughs) But it is. It's a unique choice. And while I come from an Italian-American family and there were certainly that expectation I think for me. You never know when someone's coming into content. So for those guys who have known me for a while, you might have heard this before. And for those of you who are new, welcome, I'm going to tell you why I haven't had kids.

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So I knew from a very early age, super early Lisa, that I was like, "This is not my path." I even remember walking around my neighborhood with a little carriage. And I had my Burt and Ernie. You know what I mean? My little dolls in there. And I remember my moms like, "Oh, do you want to have kids?" And I was like, "No. I just like my dolls. I'm just going to carry them around." But it wasn't for me. And I appreciated you telling the story in the book too about you guys really walked through it and you really looked at what your life might be like, should you say yes to that choice, what that might entail?

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It felt like, to me at least, you tried on that potential future and you got emotionally invested in what that reality might be. And then you looked at your alternative option, which was, "Hey. Well, what happens if we choose not to help children?" What might that mean for myself, for my marriage, for my mission, for all of that? And that option, correct me if I'm wrong, was the one that felt authentic and true to you. So I think it's just important for women to have these conversations, because even though it's 2022, so many still feel this intense cultural pressure to just pop babies out.

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And it's like, "Well, that's the reason that you're here.” And it's like, "It's not the reason that I'm here. It's definitely not the reason that I came to this earth." And we might be getting a little esoteric now, but I've had some incredible readings over the past few years, from people who can see into the energy of the past. And one of the things that I learned was in my previous incarnations, I died several times in childbirth. And when I came here for this round, it was like, "No. I'm good. I'm done. I've got other things that I want to focus on this ride around the rodeo." But for you, was there angst in that decision or was it once clear, you felt a sense of relief.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

Utter angst and I love this topic girl, because it's not even talking about, well, we've decided not to have kids. It's about assessing what is actually true to you and asking yourself, "Is that a belief I was given or do I actually believe it?" And then how do I lean into it and make the change in my life? Because I really think about when I first decided to not have kids, I remember the angst of like, "How do I talk about it?" Because I was getting so many people that were like, "You're selfish if you don't have children." I actually had people say that to me. And my mom, it was like her heartbreak.

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So there was so much wrapped around the decision. And I think that's an important thing to talk about because now I'm also finding actually that the conversation is now flipping a little and women are now feeling the pressure to be an entrepreneur, go to work. I was talking to this woman. It was a few years back now, but she... In line on vacation, you start chatting with the strangers. “What are you doing? How is life?”

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So she turns around and she asks me about what I do. So I just get very excited. Oh my God, Quest, Impact Theory, my show, Women of Impact. And I was like, "What do you do?" She goes, "Oh, I'm just a mother." And I was so horrified. And I was like…

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Marie Forleo:

Yeah.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

I didn't know her but I was like, "Homie, do not dismiss yourself." And I was like, "Tell me about you being a mother. Tell me about your kids." And before you know it, she's glowing. She's talking to me about home, she homeschools them and all these different things that she's doing.

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And it really dawned on me how us as women, we have a perspective. And if we don't fit into the mold of what is currently, we feel bad about ourselves. And then we feel bad about speaking up about it. 

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Marie Forleo:

Yeah.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

So partly, we need to freaking stop. We need to stop that. And we need to say, "How can we support each other? How can we own? This is what I want in life and it's my decision.” And it shouldn't take me three years to have to make this decision and then have the confidence to say out loud.

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Marie Forleo:

Yeah.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

That's what happened with me. It wasn't overnight. It was even just asking myself if I wanted children, I felt guilty…

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Marie Forleo:

Yeah.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

…about asking the question to myself. Going to a chapter in my book was, "Open the can of worms and embrace the ick." It is one of my favorite chapters because we find it very hard to open the can of worms, which means you have to ask the hard question.

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Marie Forleo:

That’s right.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

And when you have the hard question, you have to embrace what comes with it.

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But God, I cannot emphasize enough how doing that changed my life. So I now realize that asking myself the hard question, do I want children? Then assessing how I ask that question and really tap into me. Not what other people want, not what I think I should have. And I took a Wednesday and I was like, "What would a Wednesday look like if I had kids? What would the Wednesday look like if I had kids and I worked? What would a Wednesday look like if I didn't have kids? And now what life do I want?” And I realized in that moment, I didn't want children. And I loved what I did.

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Then it became the stepping stone on how I told my husband, "Babe. I love you. And I know I told you I was going to have four children when you met me. And now I put your clothes out for you. I make your dinner every day. Babe, not only do I not want children, I don't want to take care of you anymore." That's embracing the ick and then figuring out how as a couple, you navigate that decision. And it was hard but let me tell you, it led to the life I have.

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Marie Forleo:

Did Tom bristle? When you first said that, did any part of him... I mean, I know Tom well.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

Yeah. Yeah.

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Marie Forleo:

I love both of you guys. But to hear like, "Hey. I don't want to take care of you anymore." And obviously there's probably more nuance to the conversation than that. But I'm curious if part of Tom just bristled that bad or did he really get it or did you guys have a dialogue about it so he can understand like, "Hey. I know you want to care for me for the rest of my life. You don't necessarily want to put out the gym clothes every morning."

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Lisa Bilyeu:

Yeah. So I really processed how I was going to approach the conversation before I went into it because sometimes I can be a bit clunky and I can let my emotions run away with me. I'm sure many people can relate. And I was like…

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Marie Forleo:

Who can't.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

Yeah. How can I address this? And I just thought, what would I want if the roles were reversed? How would I want him to handle it? If he'd said that this is the person he wants to be and then changes it over time. So I sat there and I was like, "I would want him to just and acknowledge that he is changing the game." It's not a bad thing, but just acknowledge it versus this is who I am now. You have to accept it. So I was like, "Okay. I need to give him the grace and let him know I recognize I'm changing." I had to give him the grace to recognize, like anything, maybe he has to mourn the woman and wife he thought I was going to be.

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And in that, I realized I had to mourn the woman and wife I thought I was going to be. It was the right decision but I had to let go of the fact that I no longer was going to have a baby grow inside me. That was something I was truly having to give up, because I really wanted that. So I had to process what that meant. And I gave Tom the grace and I said that. So when we sat down and said, "Babe, I recognize I'm changing. And I recognize that it's going to be a bit of a hurdle for us to overcome, but this is why I want to do it. I don't want to put clothes out because I've realized that working at Quest…” Because it was the early days of Quest that I was realizing I loved business. I was like, "I've never felt more alive."

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So expressing how you feel to your partner because that comes down to, does your partner want good for you or not? And are they willing to sacrifice some uncomfortable moments to bring happiness to you? And that to me becomes a, what partner do you have and what relationship do you have? And every… It's not like I tested him, but it was a test. I didn't mean to. 

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Marie Forleo:

Yeah.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

But in those small moments, you are showing who you are and you are showing if you were true to your commitment that you made. And to me, I would happily get uncomfortable to make my husband happy if that's for the greater good of both of us.

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So in that moment, I came to the table. I used very specific words. This makes me so happy. I've never felt so alive. How can I help you navigate this change? And he literally was like, "Babe, what husband would I be if I wanted you to cook for me and make my life easy but you are not happy?" He's like, "That's not the husband I want to be. So thank you for giving me the grace to mourn." So he was like... So I actually came up with a plan. I was like, "All right. So this is what we do, babe. I put food out for you seven days a week. So we're going to start reducing that to six days. And then the next week we're going to reduce it to five days and then we're going to reduce it to four." So he can not feel I've just abandoned him.

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Marie Forleo:

Right.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

He sees that I'm making the effort to work with him over the change and that it really is a true partnership. So we navigated it together and that's...

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Marie Forleo:

Yeah. No, it's good. I think so many of us, it could be personal relationships, it could be business relationships, we sit on our truth so long that once we have the courage to speak up... I'm sure a mistake I've made many times like, "I'm done."

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Lisa Bilyeu:

Yeah.

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Marie Forleo:

And you just, you're done because you've reached a limit. I think that there's so much wisdom in listening to the wisdom within yourself and being able to speak up about it soon enough so that there can be transition. Especially if you're the one, as you shared, changing in the game. You're the one recognizing an evolution of self that is not what was previously agreed to. And then can also speak into the emotion of why and why this matters so much. Here's what I've noticed. Here's what I've discovered. Here's what I learned. Here's what I want to do moving forward.

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I want to actually dive a little bit into, because I think this is important for anyone listening or watching right now, who has a dream, it could be a dream about their career. It could be something around their personal life, their health, their relationships, doesn't matter. But something that feels a little bit outside of their current capabilities or their current reality. I love the game that you and Tom play. No bullshit. Go ahead. Tell us about it. Tell us the game. Tell us how it works and how you do it.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

Yeah. It's called no bullshit, what would it take? Because very often, me included, I used to dismiss things. That's not possible. I can't do that. Everyone else is like, "Marie Forleo has an amazing show. Marie Forleo..." But why me? I can't do it. So it's like, Well, no. If you flip your perspective and said, “What would it actually take to achieve this?" And now you can assess with your eyes wide open. If it's actually something you are willing to do. Because so many of us, we have reasons why we can't do X, Y, and Z. We have a goal, we have a dream and then every day there's a reason why we may not be able to do it.

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And now if you play the no bullshit, what would it take? It's then actually laying out what it would actually take to do it. So for example, if I was to say, I really want to be the best pianist in the world for my age. In fact, I'm not going to put a caveat. I'm going to be the best pianist. All right. What is it actually, no bullshit, what would it take for me to be the best pianist? All right. I would start to assess the best pianist in the world. How many hours that they put in? How do they practice? What is their routine? And I would immediately look at that as being my new schedule. And I would say, "Is that the life I want?” Because now I've done the no bullshit, what would it take.

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In fact, let's back up. So no bullshit, what it would take is I can only see my husband on date night once a month, because I don't have any more hours left. My puppies, who I spend 30 minutes with cuddling at the end of the day, you don't get cuddle time. All these friends you've made, you're not going to be able to see them for four years. You have to move because right now you need to buy a piano and you can't afford a piano. So your apartment has to be reduced. So you see where I'm going.

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Marie Forleo:

Yeah, absolutely. 

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Lisa Bilyeu:

So you play the no bullshit, what would it take? And then you sit back and say, "Am I willing to do it?" Because here's the beauty in this, if the answer’s no, amazing.

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Marie Forleo:

Yes.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

Now you're not beating yourself up in five or 10 years that you're not the best pianist. You just say, "Oh no. I actually decided five years ago that I wasn't willing to do what it took for me to be the best pianist." 

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Marie Forleo:

That’s right.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

And now you've eliminated that freaking negative voice that wants to keep coming back year after year, telling you how much you failed on your goals that you've set.

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Marie Forleo:

Yeah. No, it's so true. I mean, it's such a great reality kind of check thing because we can fool ourselves. Say, “No, but I could do that.” And it's like, yeah. But when you really sit down and you write it down and you map it out and you have that cold shower moment with what it's going to take, you got to get real between you and you.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

Yeah.

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Marie Forleo:

Is the desire really that big? Are you that hot on it? Can you maintain that level of heat and energy and motivation even when you don't feel it for not just a couple months, but we're talking years, if not decades to get to most places.

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So I really love that. And I think it's such a good reality check for all of us whenever we hear that voice in our mind about a particular goal or an aspiration or some type of experience that we want to have. That feels exciting. That feels big and motivating and energizing, but it's like, you got to be able to perform when you're not feeling it. And are you willing to stick in there and do all of the sacrificing it's going to take to get there? Okay. So…

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Lisa Bilyeu:

And actually, just to add…

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Marie Forleo:

Yeah.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

…that's one of the reasons why Tom and I decided not to not have children because we play this all the time. On any decision we make, we play the no bullshit, what would it take? And when we started Impact Theory, and we said, no bullshit, what would it actually take to impact people on a global scale? That is our mission and our goal, on a global scale, it was for us, no one has to do this but for me and Tom, it was go all in. It means, wake up, work, push forward, create content, do whatever we can every single day.

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And from Monday to Friday, Tom and I have decided that our lives are, we wake up, we kiss good morning. We work and then we see each other as husband and wife in the evening when we kiss each other good night. That's the life we chose. But that was based on playing the game, no bullshit, what would it actually take to achieve global impact?

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Marie Forleo:

Isn't this conversation awesome? Now look, if you want a step by step tool to help you build the courage and the confidence to build your dreams on your terms, you got to go check out this free training called How to Get Anything You Want. You can go grab it at marieforleo.com/subscribe and you'll get instant access right now.

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So I think you also have a great and wonderful perspective on caring about what people think. And yeah, I wonder if you could speak to the notion because it's obviously common these days. And to a certain degree, I think to a certain aspect, you do have to embrace this somewhat. You can't care too much what everybody thinks all the time or else you would be immobile. You would just be paralyzed, but I love your fresh perspective about caring what people think about you.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

Yeah. Thank you though. So caring, that's what kept me stuck in purgatory of the mundane for eight years was because I cared about what other people would say, think and do if I changed. If I said I didn't want children. If I said I want to be an entrepreneur and it's ingrained in so many of us to people please. To really want other people to like us and I couldn't shake it. And I realized all these people are telling me to shake it. To not care, to not give an F and go and be you. And I was like, "But it doesn't feel real. I still do care." I care how my mum feels. I care how, if I'm impacting someone. I care if I've triggered someone. All of this makes it, like I really do care.

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So I was like, "Okay. Like anything in my life, if something can be a detriment to me, how can I actually use it as a superpower?" So if something's equipped tonight, that's holding me back, how can I shift perspective, change the way that I think of it and then use it as something to fuel me? So the caring part, I was like, okay, I do care. But maybe this is my freaking superpower. Maybe this is where I'm able to tap into certain things that maybe other people can't and because I'm taking it to heart, I can really hear the message.

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So that's important, but here's the caveat. You cannot, you cannot let it dictate how you show up to be authentically you. And that was the difference where I was like, you start reading... I don't know if you read comments on your videos or on your podcast, but it's, I really want to hear if something hits someone and if that message really resonated. So that part of me cares, but now how do you differentiate that between someone commenting that they freaking hate your clothes and they hate your hairstyle? In those moments because I'm so goal-oriented I had a message actually that was like, "Lisa, I love your content, but your pink leggings or your pink leg warmers are so hideous, and your set is so pink. I had to switch off your video."

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Now in those moments, girl, I'm so goal-oriented. So let me tell you my clothes didn't move me towards my goals because she switched off the video. So now I have someone here that I really care about what they think. I really care about if I've impacted them but now she's saying she doesn't like my clothes and in that moment, how am I going to show up? Do I say, "Oh my God. Okay, great. I'm never going to wear those again." That would make her happy. It would move me towards my goal because now she watches my content again. But does that align with who I want to be and how I show up every day? And that's the question I ask because I want to please them. But the truth is what do I stand for? And what do I stand for, not just in times of amazingness, but what do I stand for when the shit hits the fan and things get hard. And that is what I look to.

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And in that moment where it was a hard decision to make, I went back to who do I stand for? What does my show stand for? And it's about encouraging people and women to be so authentic to themselves and live the life they want. And I'm creating a community where people can feel safe in this space to say who they are no matter what that is and be accepted

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So now I'm literally considering not wearing my freaking leg warmers because someone made a comment. And that was how I processed in that moment the fine line between really caring and using it as a superpower, but also not letting it dictate who you are. So I replied to them and I'm like, "Thank you so much for this comment. I really appreciate it. But just to let you know I stand for authenticity and I'm sad you cannot see that in... I don't expect you to love my clothes, but I stand for authenticity and I am going to show up in my true sense. So I will be wearing them again. I totally understand if you cannot watch my content and I can only respect if you stop following me.”

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Marie Forleo:

Damn Lisa, I'm telling you gave her a lot more time, I'd be like, “Next.” But we're very different beings, but I appreciate that so much. And I think one of the next things I love is about when it comes to the negative voice in our own head, our inner critic, a common piece of advice that we all will is that you need to shut it down and don't listen. And you say, "If your negative voice is always pointing out your flaws, maybe it's time to listen." Say more.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

Yeah. Again, I literally go to, this is something that gets in my way. How the hell do I not let it stop me? I'm just going to keep repeating. I did that for eight years. Hells to the no am I ever going back there. So I literally, every time I find an obstacle or something that happens, then I'm like, "This could stop me, how the hell do I make sure it doesn't?" I literally just scramble in my head, "Oh my God. What’s the best… How can I see this is an amazing thing? How can I see this as a positive?" Because I will go down and spiral down into the negative.

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So the negative voice is it can be crippling. It can tell you everything you're not good at. And I was like, “Oh my God, okay. She's crippling. She's not nice to me. She's a freaking bitch. How do I shut her up?” Because everyone's saying just shut her down. Well what happens when you can't just do that? Now I start beating myself up over the fact that I can't stop me beating myself up. And I'm like, "It's a freaking spiral." It's this loop of…

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Marie Forleo:

It's a trap.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

It's a trap girl. It's a trap. So I said, "Okay. How do I use this to my advantage?" If it was my superpower, what would that look like? And it's like your partner. Tom, when I turn to him and he gives me advice, he wants the best for me. But does that mean he's always kind to me? Does that mean he's all the words out of his mouth are always going to be nice or do I expect him as my partner to be honest with me when I'm also failing, when I'm also messing up when I'm also not doing so that he actually thinks is going to get me where I want to go? Yes. I absolutely rely on him to be honest with me and tell me the truth. I don't expect him to be nice to me all the time.

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So what if I treated the bitch in my head the same way? What if I literally said, "Oh, hang on a minute. She's actually your best friend. And all the negative she's telling you is actually her looking out for you." Because it's the ego that doesn't want you to be embarrassed. The ego doesn't want you to feel shame or guilt or all of this. So it tries to hold you back by saying, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Lisa, if you do that, you're about to fall on your face. Don't do it." So the ego's protecting me. So it's not there to... I don't think of it as being mean anymore. It's just there to protect.

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Now the voice, the bitch, is warning me about what I need to look out for. So getting on camera wasn't easy for me. It wasn't easy. People see me now on camera and not realize how I first started. I was petrified. Petrified to get in front of the camera. And the voice was still telling me how bad I was. So I was like, "I can either let her literally stop me from ever getting in front of the camera again because she's going nuts." The first interview I ever did was horrendous. I totally blubbed it and the words coming out of my mouth, I'm like, "What am I saying?" The amount of ums I did and the stumbles.

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So the voice is going nuts in my head saying, “Oh my God, Lisa, look how bad you were. See I told you should never get in front of the camera.” And I flipped her. This is my best friend. Okay. Lisa, you're terrible in front of the camera. Okay, great. What am I terrible at? Your intro was horrendous. Great. Now I know I need to get more prepared on my intros. Thank you voice. What else? Keep coming. Well, you fiddle with your hair a lot and it's very distracting. Oh actually you know what? That's actually a sign of me being anxious. Let me replay the video and let me internalize what I was anxious about. And I replay the video and I realized I was anxious because then the interview was coming to an end and I didn't know how to freaking end the interview.

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So I was like, "Oh my God. This is beautiful. My negative voice pointed something out to me. It allowed me to process. I didn't know how to end the interview. So now how do I get prepared that I can be more confident and step in front of the camera again and end an interview with less negativity?" So it's like, "Come up with a tagline, be the hero of your own life." Great. Got it. Write it on the whiteboard. Put it under your A camera. And the next time I went in saying, I may not have it down yet, but thank you negative voice for being my BFF, having my back, telling me where I'm bad. So that every time I step in front of the camera, I can incrementally get better.

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Marie Forleo:

That’s right.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

And because I then had safety nets with my board, with my final line under the A camera, anytime I started to get anxious, I just turned. I was like, "Oh yeah. That's my final line. Quickly read it. Be the hero of your own life. Peace out guys." And then that's how I end my interviews now. But that was all because I didn't push her out. I took her in as my bestie. I put my arm around her, I gave her a cozy blanket and I listen to her.

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Marie Forleo:

I think that is just brilliant. And I just want to say one more time, congratulations. You did such an incredible job on this book. What I love about it is your storytelling. I also really appreciate it, and I think this is huge. We have a lot of writers, aspiring writers, established writers in our audience, your voice comes through so clearly. It was like I could imagine myself sitting next to you. And I was like, "Yeah. This is Lisa's voice. 100%." So congratulations on that.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

Thank you.

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Marie Forleo:

As we wrap up today, I'm going to end with actually a question that I think might be one of your favorites. So I know on your show, you often ask people what their superpower is. And I'm curious to hear, what do you think yours is?

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Lisa Bilyeu:

I can get back up. When I really think about it, I'm bad at a lot of things. And I try a lot of things and I fail at a lot of things. And when I can say I'm proud that I get back up, it gives me that superpower feeling that when I fall on my knees, I just remind myself, oh, you've been here before, but remember your superpower as you get it back up. So I don't beat myself up and stay down.

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Marie Forleo:

Lisa Bilyeu I adore you. Thank you so much for making the time to be on MarieTV today. And I hope everyone goes out there and gets their paws on a copy of Radical Confidence: 10 No-BS Lessons on Becoming the Hero of Your Own Life. I adore you, woman. Thank you so much.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

Oh my God. Thank you. Can I just say quick, last thing?

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Marie Forleo:

Of course.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

I just need, I want your audience... You're so amazing. The amount of support you've given me behind the scenes has been so incredible. It's so important to say this because people see us on camera and they see us chatting and stuff like that. But there's no substituting how people show up for you behind the scenes and you are so freaking true to your word and how you are on camera, who you are and what you represent that I just wanted to say, thank you for being such an amazing confidant and homie behind the scenes and then having me on the show.

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Marie Forleo:

Oh, I love you, Lisa.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

Love you too, girl.

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Marie Forleo:

Thank you for sharing that. And I'm looking forward to many more adventures together.

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Lisa Bilyeu:

Yeah buddy.

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Marie Forleo:

Now that you've got some kick-ass tools to build your confidence, here's the video you need to watch next. It's right here. This is all about how to believe in your business and your work in the world even when you don't believe in yourself. It's a must-watch. Click it, go there now.

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Every creator who consistently takes risks and shares their ideas and produces work, feels fear and self-doubt. I feel fear and self-doubt on a daily basis.