Introverts, Empaths, & Homebodies: How to Succeed in Business without Changing Who You Are

In this episode of MarieTV, we do have some adult language. So if you do have little ones around, grab your headphones now.

Marie Forleo:

Who you are right now is absolutely perfect. Yes.

Angela Chee:

Yes.

Marie Forleo:

We all have new skills to develop. We all have new things that we can learn, new capabilities that will help us be more effective in the world and to share our gifts and to share our mission. Of course, I’m always working on it, Angela’s working on it.

Angela Chee:

Yeah.

Marie Forleo:

Any human being who’s on a growth path is always learning new things,

Hey, it’s Marie Forleo, and welcome to another episode of MarieTV and The Marie Forleo Podcast. And you are in for a treat today because it’s Q&A Tuesday. And today’s question comes from Tamara.

Tamara Walpole:

Hi, Marie. I’m Tamara Walpole, and I’m a London girl living in Grand Cayman. And my question to you is I have this really irritating belief that I just don’t have entrepreneurial skills that are built into my DNA. I’m quite shy. I’m not the pushiest of people. I’m quite introverted. And I feel like all of these qualities are not good if I want to be a successful business woman. Surely successful business people should be go-getters and should be, you know, strong and thick-skinned. And all of those qualities, I just, I just don’t have yet. And I just wanted to know if people like myself can still make it as a successful business. Can people like myself change?

Marie Forleo:

Tamara, I love this question. And you asked me if I had any examples of other people who were shy like you are, and then turned out to be successful entrepreneurs. And the answer is yes. And in fact, I’m bringing one on today. Not only is she an incredible human being, she’s also a B-School grad, and she’s quite an expert at helping people find and use their own voice.

Angela Chee is a media and communication coach, creator of YOU, Amplified!, host of The Power of The Only podcast, and an award-winning former TV news anchor and reporter.

Angela, thank you so much for taking the time to join me.

Angela Chee:

Oh, I’m so excited to be with you, Marie.

Marie Forleo:

Yeah. I mean, Tamara’s question, first of all, she is so amazing, and I feel like there are so many other entrepreneurs out there who share that same kind of question, right? Who feel like, “My goodness, maybe I wasn’t born with the right DNA or personality set in order to kind of take this idea and bring it to life.” And before I want to hear about your history and your story, and how you got to be as incredible as you are today. I just want everyone to know, Angela is so amazing at who she is at, at what she does, and she’s also one of our guest faculty at B-School.

So, if you love Angela, and which you’re going to fall in love with her by the end of this, you get to have even more time with her in B-School. So Angela, you know, Tamara said, “Are there any entrepreneurs out there or any examples of people like me who were shy, but who are actually successful?” What do you have to say to her about that?

Angela Chee:

Well, you know, we looked at the video and we were like, “Oh, I just want to give her a big hug,” because so many people think this way. You were talking about, you know, was I ever shy? You know, you wouldn’t tell now because I’m extroverted, you know, I’ve been on TV, all those things. But when I grew up, when I was younger, you know, my parents always taught me to not rock the boat, to play it safe, to play it small. And so, my background was not to stand out, right? And I was shy when I was younger and I slowly grew out of it by, you know, challenging myself. I think I did things, and when you achieve something, you do that next thing. And if you can keep going, it’s not changing your personality, it’s just growing, right? Growing and evolving.

So yeah, when I was little, I was taught to really be shy and really be quiet, and there were moments where I was very shy. Obviously I grew out of it a little bit.

Marie Forleo:

Yeah. And I feel like that’s kind of a great nuanced topic to just unpack a little bit. You can build skills, and this is another thing that I love that Tamara said, and I don’t even know if you know you said it, woman. It was like a subconscious thing where she said, you know, “I don’t have those qualities yet.” Well, that says that you can actually develop strengths, or develop skills. All of us can learn how to communicate in a more effective way. And I’ll even say this for myself, she was saying, “I have so, you know, thin-skinned. I don’t know if I could take…” Probably what she was thinking as some kind of criticism, or people saying no, or not liking what she does.

And I’ll just reveal this. I remember when I first started my business, my goodness did I have thin skin. And it was so painful to receive, you know, rejections or no’s, or especially for me when I started, I was terribly insecure because I was super young, like 23. Who the hell is going to hire a 23-year-old life coach? I even knew it was a little bonkers, right? That didn’t make any kind of sense.

But over time I realized, you know what? I have the ability to develop and I have developed a much thicker skin. And would you agree? It’s like, that’s a useful thing. It doesn’t mean that I’ve changed my soft and big and loving heart.

Angela Chee:

Yes.

Marie Forleo:

It just means I have this extra capability to be able to contextualize things so that I can be effective in who I am and what I do.

Angela Chee:

That’s what I love about, you know, you’re a coach, and when we watch that video, you hear that nuance, right, in people’s words and what they say about, “Yet,” right? That you know that she has it in her. Also that she has these stereotypes of what a business woman should be, right?

Marie Forleo:

Yes.

Angela Chee:

That’s another thing I want to dive into deeper, too. But to answer your question about, I believe, and you believe also, that we already have everything we need to succeed. I believe you just need to amplify it, but first you got to get really clear and you need to discover it. And so, it’s getting really deep into who are you, what do you stand for? And how do you want to show up in the world, and not trying to be like other people.

All of us fall into that trap. Even when I took B-School, right? When I was a B-Schooler, I was like, “Oh, I need to do it this way.” You want to have a model to follow and then you need to start to grow and go, “Yeah, I like that model, but I’m going to do it this way.”

Marie Forleo:

Yes.

Angela Chee:

And so yes we’re always evolving and we’re always growing, but I believe our core stays the same and we need to figure out, that’s what YOU, Amplified! for me is all about, is you, amplified, right? It’s not changing who you are. Because all my on-camera clients, they say, “Oh, I want to be like you,” or, “I want to be like so-and-so,” or, “I want to be like Marie.” And I say, “No, let’s dive deeper into who you are, what you stand for, and how you want to show up, and let’s bring that out. You out, not shifting and changing into something else.”

Marie Forleo:

Yes. And let’s go to where you wanted to go next, Angela.

Angela Chee:

Yeah.

Marie Forleo:

Which is about the stereotypes that maybe all of us have in our own minds of what a successful entrepreneur needs to look like.

I’ll go first. I remember having these ideas when I first started out of what a successful business woman would be. And she had, definitely shoulder pads, and a very clear power suit.

Angela Chee:

Totally.

Marie Forleo:

And she definitely existed in like a very tall office building, glass corner office.

Angela Chee:

Totally.

Marie Forleo:

And had a boardroom and spoke in particular way. And when I tried to embody that, Angela, when I first started out, oh my God, did I fail so bad. I sounded like an idiot because it wasn’t me, and I tried to be someone I wasn’t, and I completely got blocked. And it wasn’t until I got so frustrated and just felt so shitty, because I was trying to be someone else that I was like, “I give up. I give up. I’m from Jersey. I don’t use correct language all the time. Sometimes it’s a little bit spicy. I have weird kind of analogies that pop into my head and I want to articulate them in very kind of colorful ways.” And when I started communicating that way, wouldn’t you know it, everything started to work.

Angela Chee:

I love how you said the shoulder pads. You know, we’re about the same, we grew up in that same era where I had those shoulder pads. I wore the Jones… My first job out of college, I was in the Jones New York black suit that I bought on sale at Macy’s. I had, you know, low heels, I was so corporate. I couldn’t even see my body. I had hose on, we had to wear a hose, right? And so I did that and I fit the mold for the first, I mean, 21 years old dressed like that. No 21… you know, for a younger generation, we used to dress like that.

Marie Forleo:

Yeah.

Angela Chee:

Even in our twenties. But going back to those stereotypes, we try to become what we see, right? If you don’t see it, you think that’s the only way. And so that’s why, when you popped on the screen when I was doing B-School and you were like dancing around New York City and doing it the way you want, I was like, “I want that.”

And I think that allows people the freedom to say, “You know what? We’re doing it a different way.” And so that’s why my goal is to help everyone break through those barriers because it helps the next generation too. It’s so powerful to see, you know, you as a role model, different people doing things differently. But I want to go back to those stereotypes that we talk about. One of the parts of being really YOU, Amplified! and knowing who you are, is going back going, “Where did that come from?” Right? Where did those images come from?

Sometimes we know, sometimes it’s our parents, sometimes it’s our environment, the city we grew up in. But most of all, it’s the media. It’s just the society in which we live in. Sometimes they’re conscious, and sometimes they’re unconscious. And so, the conscious ones are easy to break. You’re like, “Oh, I don’t think like that anymore.”

And even for me right now, as I’m getting to that next level, I’m like, “Whoa, why is that still coming up? Is that unconscious?” So each level you get to, you can be better and more of you, but it doesn’t end. I’m still evolving, going, “Wait, do I still think that way?”

Marie Forleo:

Yes.

Angela Chee:

Especially in the last two years, how I thought I’ve always been empowered, go-getter, you know, I was a TV news anchor. But even in the last two or three years, I’ve changed the way what I think is possible, and I think we all can.

Marie Forleo:

Yes. And for Tamara, just to stay on answering her question.

Angela Chee:

Yeah.

Marie Forleo:

It’s like, we have so many B-Schoolers, people that I know personally, who identify as massively introverted, identify completely shy, would absolutely like to stay home, don’t really like to be on camera or “put themselves out there,” and are thriving in their business. The one thing that came to me when I was watching your question, Tamara, was, you have to make your business, whatever your business is, about more than you.

So in any of our lives, I think, and Angela, I’m curious to hear your perspective on this.

Angela Chee:

Yeah.

Marie Forleo:

You know, if we have so much spotlight on ourselves and we’re like, “Am I going to be okay? Am I going to be able to make a difference? What are people going to think of me?” Any time I get caught in that zone, I’m screwed. I am so screwed because I have the attention on myself. But when I take that attention and focus and put it out, how can I help? How can I serve? What am I here to give, not what am I here to get? All of a sudden, I have no attention on me. It’s all about being of service. And from that place, the business runs beautifully.

Angela Chee:

You’re so right. And that’s exactly, you know, even if people don’t want to be on camera, that’s exactly how you get over your on-camera fear as well. I’ve so many entrepreneurs that have this message and this mission, they say, “It’s time for me to do this, but I don’t want to shoot the video.” Or, “I don’t want to do this.” And they go, “You know what, that’s okay.” But they feel compelled because they’re called to something bigger and they want to get that out there and that’s just a vehicle. But when they start on focusing on what does the audience need, or some people are asking it from them, right?

I have a lot of clients who say like, “So-and-so keeps asking me to do this, or do this video.” As soon as they really step into their mission going, “Why am I doing this? I’m doing it for that person. It’s a gift to that person.” Then it does, it takes that stress off of you a little bit, because at some point people will break and they go, “My message and my mission is so much more important than these little things, or tearing myself apart, or whatever I’m dealing with,” that it kind of hits a tipping point and they will step up.

Marie Forleo:

Yes.

Angela Chee:

But you can also do that earlier, you know, and going, “You know what? It’s really not about you.” And for some reason, you know, we’ve had a generation of people where it feels like it’s all about that person, right? How many views, how many this, but we’re going back to, I think that we should go back to the core, which is the number one thing and what I teach my clients, what’s your audience? Right? What’s your message and your audience? How are they feeling? What do they want? What do you want to give them? That’s how I start every speech. That’s how I start every video. That’s how I start every interview is, who are you talking to and what do they need? And if you focus on that, just like you said, it really does take a little bit of the stress off.

Marie Forleo:

Absolutely. And so again, to underscore for Tamara and for anyone else watching going like, “Oh, do entrepreneurs only come in one particular personality type? Do you have to be this super hard-hitting, type A [Marie roars] all the time?” No. And I think people may not get this about me, especially if they’re somewhat new to watching the show, I am one of the least social people. I enjoy doing this. And Angela, you and I have worked together, you know, in B-School and stuff like that. And it’s like, I love being with y’all, but I declined 99.9% of in-person parties.

I’m a homebody. I am super happy at home. I am super happy just being with Josh. I am super happy just being in nature. So even though I’m able to do this, because again, I care so much about the mission and making a difference, and I’m a professional so I show up and do what I’m here to do. But it’s not like if you develop the ability to communicate effectively through your business, that you all of a sudden change who you are and you have to be on all the time, 24/7, always selling. No, it doesn’t have to be like that.

So for anyone who feels like, “Oh, I’d love to start a business,” or, “I’d love to grow my business, but I feel like I have to become someone else to do it.” Angela and I are both telling you, no.

Angela Chee:

No.

Marie Forleo:

Not true.

Angela Chee:

And if anything, aren’t you sick of the videos that all look the same? It’s like someone copied someone that’s like, “Yeah, you need to go do this! And then…” And then, you know, you get the ads, you get the things.

Marie Forleo:

Yeah.

Angela Chee:

And everyone sounds the same. I’m not going to name it. There’s a certain type that people thought, “This is what it takes to be successful with an online business. This is what it takes to do that.” And they follow this model and you almost blank it out because it’s like the same person, but they look different or they are selling something different.

Marie Forleo:

Yeah.

Angela Chee:

And so we really, really yes, need to harness, you know, like I said, like my podcast, The Power of the Only. I’ve always been the only one, the only Asian girl, the only this, and it’s really about diving deeper in, what can I bring to the table, and what suits you, right?

Marie Forleo:

Yeah.

Angela Chee:

You can be an introvert. I actually, I guess I’m an ambivert, but I didn’t even really understand introvert is how you recharge, right? I love being on stage and being on, but only when I’m on stage and when I’m on, right?

And I work hard at it. I love being on stage and when I’m in, I’m in the zone, but I prep. You know? I get in a mental state. Who is my audience, what is my message, what is my purpose? I do voice exercises. I jump up and down. I get the energy. I go on stage. I love it. And then when I go home, I can talk to people, I’m super happy, and I actually love that moment. And then I want to just eat a bowl of Chinese food and watch TV. And my husband would probably, he’s an extrovert extrovert, he’d probably go to the bar and chat with 50 people and come back with 50 stories. And I’m like, “No, I’ll chat for those two hours. But when I’m done, I’m done.” But that doesn’t mean I don’t like people. It’s just, you have to honor your energy.

Marie Forleo:

Yes. And again, we’re just wanting to underscore this for you, Tamara, and for anyone else listening; it’s like, who you are right now is absolutely perfect. Yes.

Angela Chee:

Yes.

Marie Forleo:

We all have new skills to develop. We all have new things that we can learn, new capabilities that will help us be more effective in the world and to share our gifts and to share our mission. Of course, I’m always working on it, Angela’s working on it. Any human being who’s on a growth path is always learning new things, so that’s not a problem.

But who you are intrinsically, you don’t need a new personality. You don’t need different DNA. You just need to trust that still small voice. And then I would say this also, if you do want to either start or grow your business, do get some education and training around that. Because I know I didn’t have any of that when I popped out of college, even though I had an undergrad degree in business finance, it was all around analytics and, you know, kind of pushing papers. It wasn’t how do you actually start and grow a business from scratch, especially if you don’t have an MBA, you’re not kind of looking for venture capital. You’re just wanting to grow something really organically.

So obviously I’m biased, Tamara and anyone else, I think you should get your butt in B-School because I’ve been running it for 12 years and I’ve seen over 66,000 people go through it and it really works. But even if you don’t resonate with me, or you don’t think Angela and I are the best, which I think we are, but do get yourself some education because you also get to plug in and you get to connect with other people who have been where you are, who are where you are, and who can be a really beautiful mirror for your possibility. People who can believe in you and who can continue to support you as you grow. What do you say to that Angela?

Angela Chee:

Yes. Yeah. Well, I think that’s a lot of part where confidence comes from, right? First of all, we talked about, you know, remain to your core, but know what your core is, right? Your strengths, your weaknesses. But the other part, if you know you have a part that’s a gap, there’s some things that I’m like, “I know I can do that, but I’m not ready yet because I’m going to put in the work to learn that,” right? So I have a core belief that I can really do anything I want, but I don’t think I can do it tomorrow. I don’t think I’m going to be the best at it tomorrow. It’s not this overconfidence cockiness thing. It’s just more like, I have this intrinsic belief because I’ve done it before, I’ve done the work, I do the research I show up, and then I grow.

Right? So I know that I’m going to write a book soon and I’m going to do this, but I’m like, “Ooh, I don’t have time. I want to do it the right way.” And I’m going to invest the time and then the whole ramp up to it. So I’m like, maybe not this second, right? Not this second. But you have to know that what your weaknesses are and your strengths and be self-aware, and then you fill the gap. It doesn’t mean you can’t achieve it, it’s just like you said, get the right tools, get the right mentors, and then do the work. And then that confidence will come, right? The innate confidence to try it, and then even more confidence and more growth will just come, and then you’ll just be part of who you are. It’ll just embody.

Marie Forleo:

Yes.

Angela Chee:

And you’ll forget that moment, right? Each level I get to… I remember I was at a stage when I was in B-School and I was copying a lot of people and I was doing my old, “That person did their website that way, I’m going to do their website that way.” “Oh, they made this video, I better do that.” And I even forgot that I fell into that trap as well.

Marie Forleo:

All of us do.

Angela Chee:

And I’ve just grown.

Marie Forleo:

Yeah.

Angela Chee:

I’ve just grown. And when you embody it, you forget, and you’re like, “Oh, yeah. Yeah. Who am I talking about? I was like that too.” So you’re not alone. You just, it’s different phases of the journey.

Marie Forleo:

Yeah. So Tamara, we believe in you. Hopefully, you have enjoyed this perspective. And you know, for sure, A, you do not have to change your personality or who you are. You are beautiful and perfect as you are. If you want to start or grow your own business, you are completely capable of that. And yes, of course, you’re going to have to develop some new skills and some new capabilities, but that doesn’t have to be at war with your soul.

You can have you be as beautiful and unique and quiet and potentially even shy if that’s what feels natural to you, and you can also build these incredible skills to communicate effectively, to deliver on your mission, and to yes, be successful exactly as you are.

Angela, thank you so much for contributing.

Angela Chee:

Oh yes.

Marie Forleo:

And helping me answer this question. This is so much fun. I love doing things together like this because, you know, people can hear stuff from me all day, but oftentimes it takes different voices and different perspectives and really to underscore these messages until people go, “You know what? I think I can do it.”

Angela Chee:

Yes. And it’s so important right now. We’re at this really important pivotal time. I mean, women entrepreneurs, we’ve always been important, but it’s really building. And now more than ever, you need to be that only one, that different voice, and you’ve been doing it for years. But even that next level, growing that next generation forward, we’re setting that platform for the future, right? Generations forward for my daughter, to see something different, and to know that you believe in yourself, that you can do things differently and they can still work out. So we are the ones to create the new models for the future. So it’s not just about right now, it’s about the future and I’m super excited. So, thank you so much, Marie.

Marie Forleo:

Tamara, that was my A to your Q, I really do hope it helps. And now, I want to hear from you. So, what was the biggest insight or aha that you are taking away from today’s conversation? And most importantly, how can you turn that insight into action starting right now? Because that’s where all the magic happens.

And by the way, if you want to just turn the magic up, like supercharge the magic in terms of making more money, making more impact, and having more freedom than you could ever imagine, and you’re a business owner or want to be, you need to get your butt into B-School. Seriously. You might’ve been thinking about our hearing about it for years and you’re like, “I’ve never done this thing.” Now is the time to do it. We’re doing our first-ever summer session. It’s going to be lit. I’m going to be with you every single week. And I’m telling you, your business, your sales, your customers, your profit, your impact, skyrocket. Seriously. Go to JoinBSchool.com to check out more details.

Now, back to this conversation. I want to hear what you’re learning and what you’re doing. So if you haven’t already, go over to the magical land of marieforleo.com and leave a comment there. And while you’re there, if you’re not yet subscribed to the email list, I don’t know what you’re thinking. I really don’t. Because we send the best emails every single Tuesday, they’re entertaining, they’re inspiring, and they will keep you going where you want to go. So get on that list.

Now until next time, you know what to do. Stay on your game and keep going for your dreams because the world really does need that very special gift that only you have. Thank you so much for watching, and I’ll catch you next time.

Hey. Are you ready to bring your dream business to life? Is it finally time to make the difference you were born to make? Good. Because we can help. Get started now at JoinBSchool.com.