How to Be More Loving with Danielle LaPorte

Marie:

You have this great bit about a shortcut to instant compassion, one easy sentence that's a shortcut to…

Danielle:

Oh, yeah.

Marie:

..to instant compassion.

Danielle:

You say it so we make sure we get it right. I know what it is. And you know what?

Marie:

Yeah?

Danielle:

This morning, I was thinking, "Forleo is gonna love that."

Marie:

Oh, of course.

Danielle:

And look.

Marie:

Yeah, of course.

Danielle:

Yeah.

Marie:

So here you go, folks. Danielle LaPorte wrote this one simple, easy sentence…

If I told you there was one thing you could do to alter the course, improve the quality of your relationships, your work and your happiness, would you do it? I hope so, because my guest today is here to tell us what that one thing is and how to start right now.

Danielle LaPorte is a member of Oprah's SuperSoul100 and the former director of a future studies think tank in Washington, D.C. She's the creator of the Heart Centered Membership and the Heart Centered Leadership Program, with over 400 leaders in 30 countries. Her podcast With Love, Danielle often ranks in iTunes' top 10 for wellness. She's the author of The Fire Starter Sessions, White Hot Truth, The Desire Map, and her newest book, How To Be Loving, is available now.

Danielle. Oh my goodness.

Danielle:

(laughs)

Marie:

It's so good to have you back. So…

Danielle:

Hello, love.

Marie:

Um, I gotta be real. This, I think this baby, I know I have my uncorrected proof, this is your best book yet. I'm just makin' that claim.

Danielle:

Mm-hmm.

Marie:

I don't know if you feel that way, but I feel that way. Um, I love it.

Danielle:

Mm-hmm. Thank you. You would hope it would be my best book yet. Like, if you're not getting more, like, seasoned and clear and precise, yeah, something's wrong. Yeah.

Marie:

Yeah, but, I mean, I know I have, like... I at least have thoughts sometimes. I'm like, "Oh, was my best thing that thing, or that it was... Is it already done?" So I just wanted to acknowledge that. So I have to start at the top because this actually really…

Danielle:

Yeah.

Marie:

...caught me. And you and I have been friends for so long, and I don't know if I actually knew this about you.

Danielle:

Mm.

Marie:

You wrote, "On my most recent year in review exercise, I seriously considered walking away from my creative life, which I tend to reconsider every few years. I had this romantic notion of meditating all morning, growing potatoes on my deck for my neighbors, wearing white peasant blouses and never checking Instagram ever again."

Danielle:

Ever again. (laughs)

Marie:

(laughs) And so…

Danielle:

Uh-huh.

Marie:

I was like, "Yes." And I feel as though so many of us, uh, people I know, myself included, people in our audience, like, we have that conversation. So tell me…

Danielle:

Yeah.

Marie:

...more about the thought process and the consideration of like, "Ugh, do I walk away?" And then you came back around to "Well, I came to my sentence... my senses and I wrote this book instead."

Danielle:

Mm-hmm. It was... You know, I'm, like, light about it, but it was a real passage. Like, when the world started falling apart and all the world health situation, three questions came up. I really felt that this was a call to just, like, start throwing stuff overboard. So it's like okay, let's look at my life. And I actually was going into questions about mortality, like maybe I'm meant to check out. Maybe this thing is gonna take me. Maybe... How long? I just, like, looked at it. Do I really, really wanna be here? I have a kid. I don't wanna go, but maybe I should go. Maybe my kid has his own karma, you know? Uh, so I had a conversation with life about, like, okay. I'm gonna get comfortable with uncertainty.

And then there was career. Like, what's the next big thing after loving your people and being alive? Career is like... I've always said to my son, whose name I now say publicly 'cause he's given me permission, I always say to Harper, like, if everything fell apart, you and I could get, like, a small one-bedroom place with parquet floors, and we would be so happy. Like, we're gonna be good no matter what happens. I thought that maybe I'm supposed to have just some parquet floors and a small apartment and not do this thing. And, like, the spiritual calling, like, my next... Um, you know, this is an overused phrase in our space but, like, my next edge would be anonymity. Just disappear.

And then there was the bigger question which, you know, as my friend, you know is... it was part of my life for a while is, like, I wanna meet my person. I'm ready for the partnership, for the beloved.

Marie:

Yeah.

Danielle:

And while I'm throwing things overboard, I think I should throw that desire overboard too.

Marie:

Mm.

Danielle:

And just there's so much love in my life, and let's just really just bake in I don't know. And then I just... Yeah, then came, "I'm just gonna grow potatoes on my deck." 

Marie:

(laughs)

Danielle:

Ah, yeah.

Marie:

But... And, and so... But then you came around. And was it…

Danielle:

Yeah.

Marie:

..an inkling? Like, this book, How to Be Loving, had you been thinking about it, working on it a while? The reason I ask is, um, you know, uh, the most recent big thing that I've created was Time Genius, and I actually started…

Danielle:

Mm-hmm.

Marie:

...it years ago.

Danielle:

Mm-hmm.

Marie:

So it was this little seed, right? That I had been collecting notes on, collecting research on. Like, I felt it coming, just like I felt Everything is Figureoutable coming. So I was curious about your process. Like, you were kind of going, "Do I grow potatoes and wear white peasant shirts?" And did How To Be Loving, like, was that already an idea that you were kind of nurturing, or did it get born out of your willingness to be in the uncertainty?

Danielle:

Both. The seed of this was The Desire Map.

Marie:

Mm.

Danielle:

So almost 400,000 people desire mapped. I had this whole crew of facilitators around the world.

Marie:

So for those of us…

Danielle:

This is actually…

Marie:

For people who are just meeting you, not to interrupt…

Danielle:

Yeah.

Marie:

But they're... Like, they may be like, "What the hell is desire maps?" So give us the quick...

Danielle:

Yeah. The Desire Map was a book that turned into a day planner system that turned into a coaching system. And the guiding question was, how do you wanna feel? And I walk you through this methodology. You came up with your core desired feelings, and I wanna feel clear and inspired and love and connected, let's say, and you made all your decisions according to those core desired feelings. And that was awesome, and I realized that is not the endgame. That is only half of the story. It's an important half of the story, but for me I got to... This is just developmental.

Yes, feelings are this GPS system. Yes, they should guide your life. Yes, they point you in the direction of, like, you're awake. You're constricted. Yeah. But life is not about doing everything you gotta do that day. Just be happy, because you're not gonna be happy every day. And the revelation for me about the new question and how this emerged was actually talking to a friend.

Marie:

Mm.

Danielle:

As most of my revelations come, in relationship. I really believe all relationships are vehicles for healing. That's it, whether it's with your mother or the guy who is giving you your tea at the café.

And I was in a really dark night. And we can unpack what dark night of the soul actually means, but it was a rough passage. It was a, it was a year of turmoil and identity disillusion and all those things. And anybody who would call or reach out, of course I'm in pain. I want them to check in. How are you doing? And a friend called who I hadn't talked to in a while. She didn't know the state I was in, and she was also falling apart.

Marie:

Hmm.

Danielle:

And just out of instinct, I asked her how she was doing first, and we ended up having a whole conversation focused on her. And I did what I do, which is just love and witness and be a friend. And at the end... We never got into my thing. And at the end of the call, I just thought, "I was useful, and that was meaningful." And even in my own agony, I felt connected to something greater than me.

I was able to be loving. I was able to make a contribution. I was able to be compassionate. There were people I forgave during my dark night, and it really sunk in for me that fulfillment isn't about a feeling. Fulfillment is about a way of being, and that I got really clear that I wanna be loving and compassionate, forgiving, no matter what.

And this is the mastery that all the mystics are talking about. Like, you abide. You're going to be steady no matter what the storm. You're gonna know your divinity no matter what anybody says. So a new question emerged which is, what do I want to embody?

Marie:

Hmm.

Danielle:

What do I wanna be all the time no matter what? Which, you know, was love. So I started with a very different book, by the way. The book deal was not for the book I ended up with.

Marie:

Oh, really? What was that scoop?

Danielle:

Well, this was gonna be how to feel more. This was gonna be Desire Map 2.0, you know.

Marie:

Ah.

Danielle:

And when it has that commercial success…

Marie:

Yeah.

Danielle:

Of course, everybody's like, "Sure, we'll take the next version."

Marie:

Oh yeah, we want the sequel, right? It's a franchise.

Danielle:

Yeah.

Marie:

Yeah.

Danielle:

Yeah.

Marie:

But it takes a lot of courage. Like, I remember even having, um, the conversation in my own mind.'Cause you know how much I love marketing. You know how much I love business.

Danielle:

Mm.

Marie:

I love books. I love writing. And I remember thinking to myself. I'm like, "Okay, I did Everything is Figureoutable. Should I do Time is Figureoutable? Like, should I do Money is fi-..."

Danielle:

(laughs)

Marie:

I literally started buying up domain names like, you know, wild because that's me. And then I was like, "No." (laughs) "I don't want to."

And so I'm so happy that, uh, it was starting to go in one direction and you listened to this. And I, I had told you this when you and I spoke a few months back, right? When we were first talking about this book. This has been the exact work that I have been diving into myself personally, and so I was…

Danielle:

Hmm.

Marie:

...so excited to read this from you. Um, and I love this. You wrote, "When you turn to the intelligence of the heart, you uncondition your mind of all kinds of social programming. The frequency of love dissolves eons of divisive dogma and elevates the quality of our thoughts." So how do you see this call for gentleness as counter culture to so much of what we're all experiencing right now?

Danielle:

All this polarization has us wanna fight.

Marie:

Yeah.

Danielle:

We even wanna use love to fight.

Marie:

(laughs)

Danielle:

I mean, this gets into a conversation about social justice, where you're really coming from a place of woundedness and ego. You're fighting against something instead of you're really coming from a place of inclusiveness and heart, and you're fighting for something that includes the benefit of all people. So division, polarization gets the ego mind… The ego mind loves it.

Marie:

Yeah.

Danielle:

The ego mind is all about separating. You're right. You're wrong. I'm unworthy. You are more worthy. I am superior. All of that division. And the counter move, the antidote, I'm really into the concept right now of antidotes, is the opposite.

Like, if you're in a fight, what's the opposite? Be gentle. If there's too much chaos, what's the antidote? Simplicity. So it's like the medicine is counterintuitive. So gentleness is counter culture when we've got a culture that is not just polarized, but obsessed with productivity, that our value is based on how much we are getting done.

So rest, and I don't mean rest in, like, drop out sense. But just have a flow, uh, in your life. You know, like, we've been friends long enough. You know one of my earliest books, I made the declaration, like, you know, balance is a myth.

Marie:

Yes.

Danielle:

That was so naïve.

Marie:

(laughs)

Danielle:

It's not... There's, there's the rush and there's excellence and there's pushing. And we know what it is to run professional marathons in this industry, um, but you have to be doing it from this balance of service and striving, striving for the right reasons and... And gentleness for most, um, ego-centered minds is... it's totally discombobulating. Cannot even…

Marie:

Oh, it is 'cause…

Danielle:

Yeah.

Marie:

...there's... I... Least for me, like, if I tap into the conditioning, the first thing, like if we were doing a little instant, like, association task, right?

Danielle:

Mm-hmm.

Marie:

Gentleness, weakness.

Danielle:

Yes.

Marie:

Gentleness, you're not going for it. Gentleness, laziness. Gentleness, you know, you can kind of... I can just start to list out the things.

And one of the many, um, aspects of your book that I found so compelling was as I was reading it, there were so many turns of phrases and sentences around stillness, and specifically this notion of tapping into the intelligence of our heart. And I know when I am off my rocker, I know when I am my worst self, when (laughs) this thing, you know, the mind, the ego, the conditioning has me and is dragging me, stillness is not present. And the moment I can drop in and slow down and, like, tap into my heart, the clarity is usually pretty instant.

Danielle:

Mm-hmm.

Marie:

And the wisdom is there. And so I loved this, and I loved this notion of just the intelligence of your heart because it really is that, isn't it? Like…

Danielle:

Mm-hmm.

Marie:

...a whole other level of knowing and this natural, intuitive opening that we're just not given any instructions for how to be that more frequently. And I think that's one of the gifts of your work right now.

Danielle:

Well, the other power moves with... Like, the... Really, I think the sister of gentleness is receptivity.

Marie:

Mm-hmm.

Danielle:

Which is counter to striving, and I talk a lot about this with businesswomen. So I just did a, a talk a couple months ago. Big consulting firm. Women in cybertech. And I thought, "I have got to have it together…"

Marie:

(laughs)

Danielle:

"... for these women." And…

Marie:

Right.

Danielle:

And, you know, right before I got on, I was like, "No, I just need to be me because I might be the antidote to what's going on in this organization." And as soon as you start talking to overachieving women in a male-centric culture about receptivity, you can hear the exhales. Like, everybody leaves... leans in.

Like, intuitively, they know it's right. Uh, and I even think psychologically, they know there's a longing for this kind of more relaxed way of being. But really, where we, like, push it over the edge for them is that to make it clear that receptivity is a power move, and so I talk to them about basking and I just run them through this, like, just one-minute visualization. Everybody listening can do it now.

You're laying on a beach. It's safe. It's warm. It's paradise. What do you have to do? Nothing. You are just basking in the, the nourishment of the sun that is there for you. The vitamin D wants to get into your every crevice. You just need to be still enough and receptive enough to have it do its thing.

And because we're productivity obsessed and all the metrics and everything, we, we don't slow down and we're always... I mean, we know this in this wellness space. We're always looking for the answer outside of ourselves.

Marie:

Right.

Danielle:

But I think we're missing a part of that formula. It's like yes, be still, but what we're doing is we're turning to higher guidance.

Like, don't go to an influencer to figure out what you're supposed to do with your life. Turn to the source that's actually informing the universal intelligence, that's making sure there is time and there is memory and there are trees and there is birth and all that. Why don't you go turn to that for your directions? 'Cause probably knows where you should go.

Marie:

Yeah.

Danielle:

Yeah. And there's no doing. There's just receiving. And then you rock and roll.

I call it a stillness sandwich. Like, you be still in the beginning of the project, the relationship, of your day. Then you go... You do. We are here. Get it done. Pull it off. And then still at the end.

Marie:

Hmm.

Danielle:

And we miss... I think when we miss this stillness at the end, then we just gotta repeat the lesson the next day or the following year. Just, like, integrate what you learned and have your shavasana in your day, and then that's how you build wisdom. Yeah.

Marie:

Something I'll say circled and starred. “Insight begins with a desire to truly know what's going on. It's as simple as pausing in the middle of an emotional bind with someone and thinking, ‘I wonder what they're experiencing now?’ That's an act of love.”

And when I read that, it really had me sit for a minute and just marinate on the truth of that. Like, that simple question, hmm I wonder what they're experiencing now? You know, again, when my mind is going into the righteousness and mm and the frustration and this is all the things that they did wrong, it's like you're hundred percent right. That is an act of love.

Danielle:

Mm-hmm.

Marie:

Is that something that, um, you find yourself practicing?

Danielle:

Yeah, especially these last couple years, my authority issues have just been on a red alert.

Marie:

(laughs)

Danielle:

And that's really been helpful and…

Marie:

What do you mean by that?

Danielle:

Mandates, restrictions, polarity.

Marie:

Yeah.

Danielle:

Different choices, so much judgment around different choices.

Marie:

Yeah.

Danielle:

Judgments around different perspective, judgments around questions. Oh my God, we're yelling at people for questions that they're asking. This is absurd.

Marie:

Yeah. (laughs)

Danielle:

This is all shadow stuff coming up. But with someone with pre-existing authority issues, this has been challenging for me. Um, but what I realized, and the question of, like, hmm, I wonder what they're experience right now has really been helpful, what I realized is all my authority issues were not about me thinking I knew better or I need to be in charge. It was actually about my fear of being controlled.

Marie:

Mm.

Danielle:

Because... And how I put that together, I was like, "I know this is my ego acting up," 'cause this is like this flare-up, you know? It's this burst. I'm not really hundred percent feeling in control. This is not centered equilibrium. Like, somethin's goin' on here.

And I thought, "Okay, well it's gotta be fear based. What could I possibly be, you know, afraid of? Because this is... this authority is ridiculous," and la, la, la, la. And I just realized, "Wow, this is me not wanting to be controlled."

Marie:

Mm-hmm.

Danielle:

And that had me soften a lot. I walk through the grocery store differently now. Yeah.

Marie:

Hey. Real quick, and then we will get back to this amazing conversation with Danielle.

Let's be honest. Stress happens to all of us, right? I mean, it happens to me. I've got the secret tool, though, that can absolutely dissolve it in less than five minutes flat. No kidding. It's free. You can download it instantly. Go to marielovesyou.com/stresslog. That's marielovesyou.com/stresslog. Go there now.

I've said this for a long time, and I, I think it's... You know, freedom is my highest value, so I very much…

Danielle:

Mm-hmm.

Marie:

...resonate with... (laughs) And we joke about this. Joke about it with Josh. We joke with everyone, like the moment I feel anything coming to restrict me, I'm like, "NO." (laughs) It's, it's just a, a push out. But I love this notion of just, um... Again, I was doing this before, just before we, uh, started recording this.

You know, I'm in New York right now. It's fairly hot, and I could feel... When I get really hot, I g-, I get irritated. Like, I get super irritated and I can just feel my…

Danielle:

Are you cwanky when you hot?

Marie:

Oh my God, I get cranky. Like, my... I can feel my fuse getting shorter and I'm like... Like, you know. Everything just does it. I'm like, "What am I gonna do with my hair? Lemme shave it off."

Danielle:

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Marie:

Like, everything is just too much. And I remembered just thinking to myself like, "Oh, I just was reviewing all of Danielle's book this morning. It's like can I be love from a higher place and let myself witness the frustration?" Do you know what I mean? Like, watch…

Danielle:

Mm-hmm.

Marie:

...Marie, the personality, doing her whole frustration dance and actually just be that source of love above it. And it was actually very helpful. I don't know if that translated. You probably got it 'cause you wrote the book, but let me know if that didn't make any sense for my audience. You can be like, "What the hell are you talking about?"

Danielle:

Do you wanna go... We can go meta with that.

Marie:

Please do.

Danielle:

This is how to make sense of that. You're agitated. You're irritated. Whatever it is, it's the heat, it's the conversation, it's a person, or, or you're really agitated with yourself. It's like, "Ugh, I'm not enough of this. I can't even b-... I'm ashamed of that. I'm ashamed that I'm ashamed." All those things, okay? So all right. You say to yourself... This is gonna sound really poetic and esoteric, but I'm gonna, I'm gonna anchor it down for us.

Marie:

(laughs)

Danielle:

You say to yourself, "I am the sky. I'm the sky."

Marie:

Hmm.

Danielle:

You look out your window. You get your body outside and you consider that you are that vast. Okay, so let's... That's the practice. Let me back it up.

There's a reason that in Buddhist theology so much they refer to the sky. The idea is to consider that your divine nature, your Buddha nature, your true self, your loving substance is that vast. You're that unlimited. You are wrapping around the planet. Yeah, okay? So that's, that's the youness. That's your consciousness. And then the heat, the agitation, the conversation, your bad mood, your disappointment, those are clouds.

You don't say... This is really important in terms of acceptance. You don't say, "Well, that's a bad cloud, and that cloud shouldn't be here." It's here. You're irritated. You're, you're bummed out. Okay. It's gonna pass through.

But you're not the emotion. You're not the feeling. You're not that conversation that you had with someone and they, you know, said something that stuck in your mind about you. You're not what anybody ever said about you. Those are just clouds. They will come. They will go. They may stay a little longer than you want, but you're actually the sky.

So another way to... another phrase for this is I am love. I'm the sky. I am love, and I got this. So you approach the problem very differently. You use that kind of mind poetry. So you move into the conversation or your relationship with the heat, the agitation, and you're not you're past trying to solve this, and you're not someone's opinion of you trying to solve the problem. You are love solving the problem.

You think very differently. You will speak very differently. This works with my partner all the time. (laughs) You're just gonna walk...

The other day, you know, we, we just, we were takin' a timeout and... but then we were gonna reconvene at a sushi restaurant. And I just, like, you know, I was just, like, I was just goin' through the list of how I'm gonna break it down all for love.

Marie:

Yeah. (laughs)

Danielle:

And this is what's so tricky in this space, right?

Marie:

Yeah.

Danielle:

All because, you know, we're gonna be a better, more conscious couple. Here's my list.

Marie:

(laughs)

Danielle:

And this is what love does.

Marie:

(laughs)

Danielle:

And I just did my thing. I was like, "Danielle, you're the sky." My list just evaporated.

Marie:

(laughs) Yes.

Danielle:

And I showed... And the argument was just the cloud, and I showed up at the... sushi restaurant and I was just like, "Hey, babe."

Marie:

(laughs)

Danielle:

And that's how it works.

Marie:

Yeah.

Danielle:

This love thing is that... You know, higher consciousness is that practical. You show up at the restaurant. You're just like, "Hey."

Marie:

And it's also that efficient and lovely. And, and…

Danielle:

Yes.

Marie:

I feel like there's also such lovely, sweet humor in it as well.

Danielle:

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Marie:

It's very, um, unexpected and light and fun…

Danielle:

Mm-hmm.

Marie:

...when you really start to play in that space. I'm gonna read you something else you wrote.

Danielle:

Okay.

Marie:

This was in chapter 18.

Danielle:

Okay.

Marie:

So, uh, all about loving thoughts. Your dad would say, "Leave the room so you can change your mind." Um, I loved that because again, I've witnessed and watched myself almost like a little machine. You know, I can drill in almost in a certain geographical place, and then the thoughts, the argument, the feelings, the emotion, the perspective, the stance gets drilled in. And I love it. It's just like go to a different room. Walk outside.

Danielle:

Mm-hmm.

Marie:

How important have you seen it in your own practice to change your environment if you notice like, "Oh, it may be time to change these thoughts?”

Danielle:

Yeah, the premise here is that you wanna be choosing higher vibration, more loving thoughts as much as you can. And sometimes it's not easy to do.

Marie:

Mm-hmm.

Danielle:

You gotta get out of the situation. This is really tricky for women who, who are on the personal development path because what I see happen a lot is we use our growth, our spirituality as sort of this, um... Uh, it's like this prescription to put up with a lot of stuff sometimes. And this isn't necessarily a… about boundaries, but it's like if I were spiritual, I would stay. I could, I would put up with this. If I were really in my Buddha nature, I could transmute this situation.

Marie:

Mm.

Danielle:

And it's like maybe all that's true, but the philosophy of you gotta take care of you and create conditions for healing for you means get some air. Take a break from the relationship. Leave... What are the conditions that are gonna help you regulate your nervous system, breathe, calm down and think with love?

And I say that because thinking clearly is often just more mind, mind, mind, more strategy, more how to. But actually, refer to your heart. Let your thoughts... or your heart inform your thoughts. So you might have to just peace out. But you really... you have to love yourself to peace out.

Marie:

Yes.

Danielle:

You have to really be your own champion to do that.

Marie:

Yeah, and trust that little nudge. I feel like my heart absolutely gives me nudges when it's like you know what? Go over into that room. Or you know, that... You need to go get some cash at the bank or... (laughs)

Danielle:

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Marie:

You... There's a little thing you can go experience. Um, I love…

Danielle:

And we, we don't have to be suffering through it.

Marie:

Right.

Danielle:

That's the other thing. And this is, this is my experience, is, like, this... Suffering for me was like this spiritual badge. It's like I can endure. I can put up with, I can transform this with my patience. Those are truths. Patience transforms a situation, but I don't have to put myself through this rigor to be more enlightened, to be more loving, to be more valuable. I can actually choose easy.

Marie:

Yes.

Danielle:

I can choose rest.

Marie:

Yes.

Danielle:

Yeah. And then I'm more useful.

Marie:

Let's talk a little bit about the nuance around choosing loving thoughts over fear-based thoughts, 'cause it's not the same as positive thinking. And I loved…

Danielle:

Yeah.

Marie:

...that bit of, of, uh, shading that you did in there.

Danielle:

Positive thinking is, uh, you're jumping over any unspiritual feelings. It's not spiritual to be angry about this or to feel my rage or to be resentful, so I'm just gonna say everything happens for a reason and this is my karma.

Marie:

(laughs)

Danielle:

And that makes me a better person. That makes me more spiritual. And what it actually does (laughs) is it just... It's really just shadow on top of shadow. It's just pushing all those human natural emotions that are actually just showing up because they want your attention and you're just saying to them, "I'm not gonna pay attention to you." And you become more fragmented. You get all these little scared parts of yourself even more scared, and they make more scared little parts.

Marie:

(laughs)

Danielle:

And they hang out in your basement. And then one day, you're at the beach and, "Why am I at the beach feeling anxious?" All those fragmented parts come up through little fender bender or anxiety or panic attacks.

So stop, stop trying to overcome your fear. You created your fear. It's your mind, baby. Why would you reject what you created?

Marie:

Mm.

Danielle:

Why would you leave it on the porch? It just wants love. It just... it all... All the stuff we're pushing away, the neuroses and the rage, it's just saying, "Hi. I'm an emotion. I come from your unconscious self, and I just want you to pay attention with me. To me. I just want you to be more conscious." So do that. And that is the difference between spiritual bypassing and being faux happy and being a spiritual grown-up.

Marie:

I love that you wrote, "Choosing loving thoughts isn't an act of denial. It's an act of creation. It requires skillful awareness." I thought that was really good too.

Danielle:

I think this is the warriorship that we hear a lot about, what it means to be enli-... you know, love and light, but this is really it. Because depending on how much work you've done or how much trauma you've experienced, you're gonna have X amount, an infinite amount of negative thoughts a day, divi-... And by negative, I mean divisive thoughts, thoughts that are saying, "You don't belong," or "You don't have what you need," or "We're all separate." And every time that happens, your job as a child of creation is to choose a higher vibration thought. Like, the easiest way to understand it is to, is to say choose a more positive thought, or I would say choose a more loving thought.

Marie:

Mm.

Danielle:

'Cause a loving thought isn't necessarily, you know, happy and cheery.

Marie:

Right.

Danielle:

And what I see happen with people is it's a muscle to work. There's this doubt that comes up. Really happens for women and their bodies, you know? And you can have all these negative thoughts about your, your body, your health, your wellness, but you have to choose... You counter that with a thought you actually believe. So this is why I have a problem with affirmations.

Marie:

(laughs)

Danielle:

You know, like, new-age affirmations would teach us, like, you just stand in the mirror and say, "I am healthy and beautiful." But if you don't believe that you're healthy and beautiful…

Marie:

Oh, yeah.

Danielle:

...it's toxic. You're lying to yourself.

Marie:

Completely. Right.

Danielle:

But you can... can you choose a loving thought that you believe such as, I'm gonna make this up right now, you stand in the mirror or you walk down the street, whatever it is, and you could say, um, "My body has never let me down.” That's it.

Or maybe you, maybe you don't even believe that because you've been in a struggle with your body your whole life. You could say, um, "People heal all the time." And then the next day, I think the thought gets a little closer to yourself. But you're gonna have to do this 900 times a day until you get this new neural pathway of, "I'm choosing the loving thought."

Marie:

Mm. Let's talk about ego.

Danielle:

Yeah.

Marie:

You write, "It's not so much that we have an ego. It's that ego our way through life. When we could be loving, we're egoing." I really like this idea of…

Danielle:

Yeah.

Marie:

... ego as a verb. That was very, very accurate.

Danielle:

This is why this works for me. I, you know, having done all the workshops, I used to think that this ego was this terrible part of myself that I was ashamed of. You know, for me, ego is like arrogance and grandiosity. For other people, their ego is insecurity and, you know, big story around lack of self-worth 'cause... so it could show up as bravado or, you know, brokenness. But for me, oh my gosh, it was just, like, so ashamed when I would... thought I had, like something ego trippy happen that day.

And then I would be in combat with my ego like, "How do I suppress it? How do I get over it? How do I shut her up so I don't do that again?" 'Cause I wanna be loving. I wanna be, you know, be of service."

Marie:

(laughs)

Danielle:

And then she, it, would just kinda get a little louder, a little more cocky. And, and it's like ah, the ego belongs to me. It's from me. It's my creation. It lives in my head. I'm feeding it all the time. Why would I push it away? What if I just had a friendlier relationship with my ego?

Then so I think when we move into this idea that ego is a behavior, it's not this thing, it's not this entity, then we can just say, "Oh, I was, I was egoing." That's it. It's kinda like oh, I was, I was overeating. Oh, I was…

Marie:

Rushing.

Danielle:

...gossiping. Yeah.

Marie:

Uh, I was rushing through my day. Like, oh…

Danielle:

Yeah.

Marie:

...I was, I was doing that. Oh, okay. (laughs)

Danielle:

Yeah. Ah, that's okay.

Marie:

No big deal. Yeah.

Danielle:

That's part of being human.

Marie:

Yeah.

Danielle:

And then the ego gets less, uh, hostile. It chills out and it starts to get integrated. It starts to dissolve.

Marie:

Mm.

Danielle:

Yeah. And really, when we're saying, "I was egoing," or rushing or whatever, what we're really saying is "Oh, I just forgot that I am love. I just forgot who I was just momentarily while I was doing that. Oh, now I remember. I am loving." Yeah.

Marie:

Mm. Um, there's one thing that I wanna wrap up on before I just wanted to open it up for you with the most important things that you wanna make sure that people know about this book. Which by the way, for anyone, you have got to get your hands on this. If you loved this conversation, I, I could not more highly recommend this book.

Uh, but this was a fun one, especially for the possibility of, uh, just teasing people to, to watch this episode and to share it. So you have this great bit about a shortcut to instant compassion, one easy sentence that's a shortcut to…

Danielle:

Oh, yeah.

Marie:

...to instant compassion. You can say it or I can say it. Whatever you prefer.

Danielle:

You say it so we make sure we get it right. I know what it is. And you know what?

Marie:

Yeah?

Danielle:

This morning, I was thinking, "Forleo is gonna love that."

Marie:

Oh, of…

Danielle:

And look.

Marie:

Yeah, of course.

Danielle:

Yeah.

Marie:

So here you go, folks. Danielle LaPorte wrote this one simple, easy sentence: “Oh, I've done that before.” (laughs)

Danielle:

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Marie:

Oh, I've done that before.

Danielle:

That's the revolution.

Marie:

Yeah.

Danielle:

When someone is aggressive, when someone is greedy, when someone is needy and you're just like, "Ugh, I don't want that. I don't like that. You are so unevolved," you know what you're gonna say? You're gonna say, "Oh, I've done that before." Maybe you did it 20 years ago because you really have grown and you really are much more evolved, enlightened. Maybe you did it yesterday. But you just... It's immediate common ground. You relax. Your judgment has nothing to latch on to. Oh, I've done that before.

Marie:

Mm-hmm. I just thought it was so brilliant because it's so true for, like, a vast majority of things, right? For the vast majority of kind of everyday tweaks that we can experience from each other.

Danielle:

Mm-hmm.

Marie:

Uh, when you kind of root underneath it, whether it's a disrespect, someone was mean to you, someone gave you a dirty... You know, whatever the thing could be, it's like oh, I've done that before. Someone was inconsiderate. Someone wasn't thinking about your feelings. Some... Whatever it may... Oh…

Danielle:

(laughs)

Marie:

...I've done that before.

Danielle:

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Marie:

Really, really good. So D, anything, um, that we haven't touched on that you feel in your heart, you're like, "But Marie, I gotta say this to the people."

Danielle:

Mm, gotta say this to the people. Well, the response to How To Be Loving is, "I thought this was gonna be a book about relationships and how to be nice to other people, and this is really about self-acceptance." And that is what it is about. It's about more than just tolerating all that stuff you're pushing away. It's about actually having reverence for it because it's expanding you. All this stuff you're pushing away, when you bring it in actually has you be more loving.

And when that happens, think the dawning comes like, "Wow, the most solid contribution I could make to a hurting world is to heal myself." It's not selfish. It actually affects all of us. Yeah.

Marie:

Beautiful. I adore you, my friend. Congratulations on yet another gorgeous, impactful and healing…

Danielle:

Hmm.

Marie:

...piece of work. And thank you for making the time to be on today.

Danielle:

Oh, thank you, Marie. Love, love, love, love you.

Marie:

Love, love. 

Now before you go, if you wanna go even deeper into the topic of self-love, you need to watch my episode with Mr. Tim Ferriss. Click over here and watch it now.

Tim Ferriss:

Try to invest in the skills and learning the principles that are more timeless. Because then you are infinitely adaptable.