Do you have a friend who’s always late? Or someone who constantly cancels on you but “promises” it will never happen again? Have you ever wondered what’s the best way to deal with these people? This week, I want to talk with you about how to handle “repetitive behavior” in your relationships. Here’s this week’s reader question:

“Hi Marie, thank you so much for all your words, advise and help. I’m trying to put it all into practice and there is one thing you talk about I’d like to explore further: ‘Clearing up things’ in relationship. You say once something happened we should leave it as if it never was the case. Now, what if the behavior is repetitive?

You notice there is a pattern and you need to bring examples in order to make a valid point. Examples from the past…even if you forgave that? So how do you go about this?

In my case, a friend keeps canceling on me. Every time I forget and leave it, but it’s clear to me there is a pattern and now I fear offering to go out together as it’s very likely she’ll change her plans. What can I do about this aspect of forgiving?

-Hanna, London”

MY RESPONSE

Hanna, first of all I LOVE this question. It’s so rich with elements of relationship, being in the moment, and communication. There’s a few key points I’d like to make that will help you handle this situation with ease.

First, let’s talk about when I say “…you should leave it as if it never happened.” What you’re referring to is one way to define FORGIVENESS. To forgive means to give up the right to punish.

So when someone does something harsh or unkind, and you really FORGIVE them, you give up the right to punish them for it, bring it up again in subsequent conversations or silently hold it against them.

When someone apologizes for an isolated event, (and means it) and you really do FORGIVE them, it’s healthy to move forward like it never happened in the first place.

But when something occurs repeatedly in any relationship, you need to address it. Otherwise, things get weird and uncomfortable. And yes, bringing up examples from the past is necessary…as long as you do it the right way.

(On pg. 70 in my book, “Make Every Man Want You” , I talk about some key communication strategies that are essential for ANY healthy relationship. If you haven’t yet read it, download your copy here:
http://www.makeeverymanwantyou.com)

But as it relates to discussing this pattern of canceling plans, here are four key points that will help you successfully “speak your truth”:

1. HAVE COMPASSION

Before speaking with your friend, look back and see if there’s ever been a time when YOU’VE flaked out and cancelled plans. Even if you haven’t done it to her - chances are, at some point in your life, you’ve cancelled plans.

(Whether we remember it or not, we all have…) Recognizing this allows you to have compassion for your friend and prevents you from acting “holier than thou” or speaking to her in a condescending manner.

2. BE DIRECT

Have a straight and direct conversation with your friend. You could start out by saying, “Hey Sue, can I talk with you? Something’s been on my mind lately…”

Don’t beat around the bush. Just tell her how much her friendship means to you and that you’d like to clear something up.

Let her know that you love spending time with her, but lately you’re hesitant to make plans because she repeatedly cancels. Here’s where you give her concrete examples without making her wrong, being a victim, or getting dramatic about it. Be as precise and neutral as you can be.

3. LISTEN TO HER RESPONSE

She may defend, deny or say she’s truly sorry. Your only job is to LISTEN FULLY to her response without diving into righteousness. Chances are, she’s completely unaware of how she’s operating and the negative impact it’s having on her relationships.

On the other hand, she may have no intention or desire to keep her word and honor her commitments with friends. Either way, you’ll get the information you need to move ahead in a way that works for you both.

4. REMEMBER, GETTING UPSET IS OPTIONAL

Here’s the most important point. Getting upset is always optional. Your friend is just doing her life the way she does her life. Whether you get upset about it is up to you. She’s consistent.

Wanting, hoping or wishing she would be a different, non-flakey person only makes YOU miserable.

So if you make plans and she cancels again, then she’s just being her - consistently inconsistent. You can either notice what is and not to make further plans with her OR keep making plans fully knowing there’s a high probability she’ll flake out. Either way, you don’t “need” to get upset about it.

And yes…I do realize not automatically getting upset is easier said than done.

That’s why I train people to develop that “muscle” during our one-on-one sessions. It’s like personal training to build your “emotional and spiritual fitness” beyond what you’ve ever experienced before. Does it work for everyone? Of course not.

It only works for people who TRULY want excellence in their life and are willing to take the actions necessary to produce it. And for those people, the sky is the limit. If you’re interested in getting into the best “emotional” and “spiritual” shape of your life, sign-up for VIP one-on-one coaching. The first step is to download an application here:
http://www.marieforleo.com/VIP_Coaching.pdf

And my one-on-one coaching is NOT a one size fits all kind of thing. I’ll cut through the fluff and give you the exact feedback, strategies and practices YOU need to take your life to a whole new level - fast. And, everything I do comes with a 100% Money Back Guarantee If you’re interested, get started now: http://www.marieforleo.com/VIP_Coaching.pdf

Thanks again for reading and have a brilliant day!

With love,

Marie

PS: I want to hear from YOU! Send your success stories, comments and questions to marie@marieforleo.com